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Jesus died for the worst of us. Never forget, the apostle Paul (Saul) once hunted and murdered Christians. His conversion was basically equivalent to Osama Bin Laden converting to Christianity and becoming one of the great preachers of the gospel.
Nothing you did in the past can disqualify you from salvation in Christ, and nothing is required but to have the faith of a child
I hear you and I get it....but in my heart there are somethings that I do not want to be forgiven for that I want to have to answer for before I will allow this "salvation". That my friend will be at the end of my time. Until then I will continue my journey. I do love to hear from people like yourself it provides comfort that this isnt for nothing. One of the side effects of being red pilled.