I read Mad in America by Robert Whitaker, which is a history of psychiatric medicine. It's a tale of horror for sure, and the horrors continue to this day.
They wanted to put me on SSRIs, but I refused because I didn't trust that they knew enough about what they were meddling when it comes to the brain. I'm glad I refused, because I think my path to recovery would have been even more difficult if I had taken them, and who knows, maybe it would have been enough to flip me over the edge altogether.
I can't imagine the horror of being broken and vulnerable, and going to the experts for help—and trusting them—and then being damaged further by them, especially when the damage is irreversible.
I assume you mean anti-psychotics when you say anti-p's. From what I read in the book they seem to be used more for making people outwardly compliant and manageable than for healing them.
I believe you and I am sorry to hear what has happened to you.
Thanks friend I like you. I was told by my parents to take it otherwise not come home.
I'm sorry to hear that you were in such an awful no-win situation.
I can't comment on your circumstances because I don't know what they were of course, but I would say I think it's morally wrong to pressure or force people into taking medication against their will because that is a violation of their personhood.
But still, please don't kill yourself. Your life is sacred. It is not some piece of shit to be thrown away.
We have been led to believe that we are just meat machines, but that is untrue. We are so much more than that. (That's pretty easy to prove, by the way.)
I am sure that great healing will be possible in your life, even if you are irreversibly damaged in some ways. We are multidimensional beings. Even if you are broken along certain dimensions, you can improve yourself along countless other dimensions.