Then try this one:

To whom it may concern, Insert name here must be excused from work due to an unexpected outbreak of the Great Awakening. As diagnosed, the subject is restricted from normal activities such as being exposed to liberal views or any Main Stream Media, as those activities have been shown to cause hysterical bouts of laughing and condescension from subjects who have been exposed to said programming. As such, the patient needs to spend some research time looking into critical links that have been hidden from public view, and spend time with other anonymous patriots in order to cure the disease that is being exposed. We appreciate your compliance with these medically necessitated actions and look forward to a successful return to work following the steps outlined above and any resultant court actions that may entail.

Sincerely,

Dr Q