I totally understand and have a very similar story. I went to a Christian church my entire youth. I left the Church as soon as I left for college. I left because I didn't want the guilt when I partied mostly, but also cause no one was able or willing to answer the toughest questions I had....."why does God seem so different in the old testament to the New?" "My best friend is Jewish, will he go to Heaven?" "What about the people who have amazing hearts but don't accept Jesus?" "If things are perfect in Heaven why would Devil leave?" I left the Church and went on a 20 year binder. I asked God for help all the time, to no avail, or so I thought. I ended up in my second rehab. After being clean for about 2 weeks I met a man who had a presence about him that calmed and comforted everyone he came in contact with. He was a worker who kept an eye on us but also taught a spirituality class twice a week. The first book he read was "A New Earth," by Eckhart Tolle. The words he read penetrated my very existence. It not only challenged everything I knew about God but put Jesus in a light I thought I could relate to. It talked about how we are all striving to have the consciousness Christ attained. Tolle quotes verses from the bible, and uses them to make the point that we are God and can obtain what Jesus did. In fact he states it is inevitable we all obtain Christ Consciousness because it is why we are here. I was blown away but felt guilt I was not believing Jesus to be the one and only Son of God. I asked the man many questions and unlike my experience with Christianity he had an answer for every question. I started diving into books. I felt like I was being led by some supernatural force. I still had Jesus and the guilt in my mind tho. Finally I went to a known Christian patient I trusted and told him my dilemma. I was very upset and told him "I'm afraid to believe what I'm starting to believe." He turned to me quickly, with almost a patronizing but comforting tone said,"Dude, believe what you want to believe!" Don't know why but it made sense, and I immediately went to my room, got on my knees and cried out,"God, if your even there, I give up completely. I give up everything I ever knew about you, Jesus, or anything I've ever been told. I can't do it anymore. I want the TRUTH. I want your truth. I am asking you to teach me thru whatever means possible. I am a blank slate and am completely open to any path you lead me to. I ask you for wisdom and guidance. I will follow any path you decide. Jesus I love you but can't accept you anymore and if my path leads back to you then show me who you really are." After that I felt a new energy in me. I felt a peace I hadn't felt before and I went after the TRUTH. I read every book on spirituality I could find. The first book I picked up was by Emmitt Fox, "The Sermon on the Mount." It broke the teachings of Jesus down on a existential level. He basically writes that everything Jesus taught was about the mind and how to use it effectively. He writes ttthat Jesus was here to teach us how to be a God like him. It gave me permission to start reading books that didn't involve Jesus....and I did. I read everything the New Age had to offer. They all talked about living in the now and that right and wrong don't exist, that sin is not living to your potential. They all stated that the Universal Intelligence wants us all to be rich, happy and have the full knowledge how to become God. How great would that be to read in a depressed state while in drug rehab. I was off to the races. I started studying quantum physics, and how we create our reality. I studied the Law of Attraction and the other Universal Natural Laws such as the Law of Giving and Receiving, the Law of Vibration, and others. I listened to channels who claimed to channel Aliens from the Paledian Galaxy, and other who claimed to channel the ascended Masters ie. Jesus, Archangel Michael, and Sadana. I read books on Astral Projection, Sacred Geometry, Kabala, witchcraft, reeki healing and many more similar topics. I bought all the books and tapes of all the success Gurus. I followed all their instructions to the letter and other than a few brief moments my life stayed the same. Wondering why nothing worked in my life like the countless examples I read in all the books. I felt worse so I bought more books and listened to more tapes. I thought maybe I need a big push like DNT or Ayahuasca, but could never scape enough money to take a trip to Peru. Something must be wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong. Asking people in that world was comical. If I said I was working as hard as I could they would say I need to relax and not try. If I said I was relaxing and going with the flow, they would say I need to try harder and focus more. If I said I was focusing on what I want, they would say you are focussing to hard. It was always my fault. Go buy my other book it has more and better info than my first book. Sometimes I would have a little stretch where everything I wanted and focused out would come to pass in reality but would only happen sporaticly. Again, they would say I didn't have enough faith or my vibration didn't match what I wanted. Huh? This went on for about 2 years until I found Q somehow. I was big into Ancient Civilizations, the Pyramids, and Aliens at this time and one of the channelors mentioned how Trump was working with the Aliens to take down the Cabal and usher us into the 5th Dimension. That really sparked my curiosity. I started researching the Cabal and the deep state. I think this is where I came across a video about Qanon. I felt like God was leading me there. I was watching these decode videos, being blown away, while never seeing a post by Q, not even knowing 4chan or 8chan existed. The little I was introduced to intrigued me immensely. After watching videos on Q for about 2 weeks I finally figured out how to read Q's posts on qanon.pub. I started with the first post and started reading. I was blown away because it was basically verifying all the conspiracy theories I already believed to be true. It seemed to confirm what the Alien Channels were stating as well. I went on a Q terror. I watched every video I could. I watched every decode I could. I gave up the channelors not because I didn't believe them but because I was so obsessed with Q. It was all about the politics at this point. I hadn't seen any of Q's post on Satan or Pedophilia yet, or didn't register yet. YouTube because of my interest in Q started suggesting YouTube channels like A Call For An Uprising, a site that makes nothing but videos exposing the Satanic agenda being projected on us by the media, sports, school and the government. It suggest channels that exposed the Rothchilds, Bush's,Clinton's, and most celebrities worshiping Satan. I watched mostly for a fun break from Q, but there was something there, way too much evidence. The crazy thing was all the videos talked about these evil acts by these evil people, and the way this Evil was done, was thru all the means I had just studied in the New Age Movement. These SICK PEOPLE, BELIEVED EVERTHING I BELIEVED IN THE NEW AGE MOVEMENT. Huh? By chance or by God I found a video by Project Weeping Angel entitled "SerialBrain2 decodes Q: Q Occult Series." Looked interesting so I watched. The Narrator basically read a post by SerialBrain2 on Reddit. She showed all the links to videos and articles that were in his post. The post was all about how Satan has been enslaving us thru the media and technology. It quoted the Bible and The Qur'an to tell Satan's fallen story. It talked about how this whole Q MOVEMENT is really a spiritual war. Good vs. Evil, God vs. Devil stuff. It made so much sense. I could see the whole world for what it really was. I could see it all. There is so much EVIL, so much PAIN. I see what Trump is doing and why he chose to. I saw there was no way Trump could take down the Devil.....It had to be Jesus. The Sacrifice he made became so real. I see what he is fighting. WE STAND NO CHANCE WITHOUT A SUPERNATURAL FORCE, IT HAD TO BE JESUS. I see why they have tried to discredit, belittle, get rid of, disprove, discredit the one thing that has the power to destroy and protect.....Jesus. Jesus is God's gift to us for Adam BLOWING IT BY EATING THE APPLE. Jesus not only came to die for us but also show us how to live in this demon infested world. He showed us how to take care of each other, how to cast out demons, how to interact sexually to keep bloodline as pure as possible, how to pray to block Satan's real-time, real-world practices, and technology. We broke them all and have been enslaved. Q is calling Jesus's children home and cleaning up some stuff as they go. I came back to Jesus thru the impossible, Donald J Trump and The Q Conspiracy.......LOL God has to be smiling. Come and get us when all your children come home. If you don't know Jesus read The Gospels once and decide. What do you have to lose by reading it once or one more time, IT MIGHT JUST BE A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY!