>Finally got a slot for confession after agonizing over it
>Continuing to agonize over it
I need the help but the embarrassment I foresee is killing me
No, but I am feeling better now. It's been a good day with many consolations. I'm Anglican and somewhat autistic and over-scrupulous, so I've been caught between wanting a confession, and feeling a that my inability to get over it the Protestant way is a deficiency.
But overall, the reason for the confession is not because I haven't gotten over it and restored that right relationship within myself, nor is it from masochism, I just want to go the extra mile. After all, if I have thrown it over my shoulder, it stands to reason that I should prove it by participating in the sacrament.
I don't know yet that what you've said is right. I was baptized into this even though my parents are not religious. I know they won't understand, and that they don't understand me. I believe that God can raise the dead, and I believe it because my spirit was broken, like Paul's at Damascus. Maybe its insanity; the devil has spent the last day and a half asking "are you sure?" and the answer is no I'm not, but I've learned to bless those who have brought me low, and even though my parents had a hand in it, I still don't want to lose them.
It's been a year and 2 months since I was found and I still struggle with this.
Too typical
Going to confess, first time and I know it is going to be really uncomfortable
Done
At the moment guys I'm having a tough time. Trying to avoid lust is coming to me more naturally since confession, but now my bishop is suffering from some persecution I can only guess at and a good friend is staring down a stage III cancer diagnosis. Please pray for both that they be well again.
Well, are these white lies, or falsehood with intent to harm? I think there is a difference. What Jesus does in John 7:8-10 doesn't harm the disciples. I sometimes tell self-effacing lies, or fail to mention one friend group in front of another.
I pray however that you learn to be more honest, but what is most important in your dealings is to set out reasonable expectations, so other people are not deceived. Don't say for instance "I will definitely" when you mean "I will perhaps." This has been a problem for me in the past.
This is also good however, because you can make reverse lies using the "Scotty" method. This comes from Star Trek; Scotty (the chief engineer) would always price in extra time in which to do things, saying for instance "I need 12 hours to do x task" when in reality it required only 9. This technically isn't a lie, because the task could take up to 12 hours hypothetically. This always kept the type A personalities on the bridge content in the show. Making such self-effacing fibs is harder than it seems though because you have to acknowledge your weakness and inability, and the possibility of failure.
Ah I see, prayer done then
As a man, let me tell you, you're not alone in feeling that you will never find anyone. My social life has similarly been reduced to church, and my family barely understands the need for God.
But I think I know your problem, and it's a common one in our generation; no compelling goal to speak of. Simone Weil once said that education consists in creating motivations (i.e. goals), but sadly education today is about defecating a wave of infantile mechanisms out of a slot in the wall.
You seem though, like you could do with some spiritual books (links related, one is William Law, the other is St Paul of the Cross), but for you I have prayed that God's love will give you fullness of purpose, peace, and frequent tears of joy.
Also something I've been up to, if you have an old-ish Bible like maybe a KJV, in the back there may be hymnatry. I find that many of them are very beautiful and succinctly speak the Christian truth, and are a source of great peace.
Thanks anon
>Usefulness of KJV?
If you don't have a KJV, get a hymn book and maybe also a prayer book if you like. I bought the KJV because it was cheap and at the used book store I frequent. My bishop did much eye-rolling when I mentioned this.
The KJV is not brilliant, it just gets the job done.
Amen
Sanity check; so I sinned several times yesterday in various different ways, but you see I know I did so in part because of stress. My parents are coming to see my new home, and I realize that they are critical people.
The thing is, I realized that I don't really like them. This is despite the fact that I know they love me. You see, I actually don't like anyone, although hate is too strong a word. This is because everyone thinks well of me, parents included, but I know how worthless I am, how especially weak I am when faced with temptation, and how people imagine me to be so good and benevolent even though I am far from that. My parents treat me like a golden calf because I'm so smart and good looking.
This has unintended consequences. For instance the girl I brought home; I was "too good for her." After having been worked on, I gave her up, even though I wasn't sure about doing so, and still am not sure. When I wanted to get a job while I was studying, I was too good for that too, so I have little work experience. I feel certain, that I'll be too good for my new home too, and too good to be a professor earning wages at university rather than getting commissions from clients.
Pray for me please.
>Problem with pride
I do have a problem with vanity, but not pride. I'm fully aware of how bad I am. I am constantly trying to please everyone because I'm a fool. The difference between vanity and pride is that the former is all about what we want others to think of us, rather than pride, which is what we think of ourselves.
And you solved my problem, it is because I have no spine, and I hate myself.
You know, maybe you were off base, maybe not, but I've decided that the only option is to submit fully to whatever my parents say, following the 5th commandment I will not be angry at them. I am still a dependent, therefore still under authority. I will renounce my plans if called upon to do so, for it is God's will as stated in the scriptures.
It just hurts.
Possibly but it seems like a test of faith; there just isn't any other way.
Genesis 22. God asked Abraham to sacrifice the gift God had given him back to God. Once God could be certain that Abraham feared Him, he could keep the gift.
Ask yourself; could you offer your life plans upon the same altar, with nothing but hope? I'm going through a similar phase, where my plans may not meet with reality, and I was angry also, but there is no need to be. It is because (so I've read) you have found favour with God that He tempts you like he tempted Abraham.
Be detached from your desires, and you will get what you need, rather than being estranged from what you want.