I feel selfish asking for prayers but I will here anyway. It's good to just vent, I guess.
Since childhood I have felt isolated and unable to connect. I feel there is a wall between other people and myself. I don't feel truly bonded with anybody (except my dad). I feel like I'm 'acting' and trying to force a normal relationship. Even with past boyfriends I've felt isolated and fake. I love my friends dearly but I can't shake my loneliness. It's every day. I try to numb it or forget about it through keeping busy with activities, going to church, focusing on school. I read scripture and pray.
I've lived alone for a few years with my cat, and most weeks the only communication I have with people is on Sundays at church. My mom doesn't try to talk to me, my sister has a serious illness, my brother lives on the other side of the country and dislikes me (as admitted by other family members). All I have is my dad and step family, but as a 20 something adult I'd like to diversify my social life obviously.
I feel cursed by God. I feel horrible saying that, and it's probably sinful to think so. I can't count how many times I've cried and asked God why I can't connect. I am terrified I'll feel this lonely my entire life. I've felt this way since age 9/10. My biggest fear is I'll have children one day and I won't be able to feel that bond with them.
I've been diagnosed with chronic depressive disorder for about 8 years. I've been on medication for it for about 4 years. I can't sleep without sleeping pills. When I'm off meds, I have obsessive/compulsive thoughts. I've tried every sort of therapy, I've done everything. I regularly see a therapist and my psychiatrist is SO proud of my progress. I live alone, I'm in school, my medications are working.
But nobody addresses my core issue of loneliness. I know God hasn't abandoned me. But I feel defective. I feel lost. I see a bright, shiny goal of having lots of kids and a husband and a little farm one day. I want to be surrounded by nature, God's land, I want to raise my children properly. I am stuck in a cycle of meeting other people's expectations. I need to graduate, get a good job, succeed in a career and make people proud. I am hiding a secret of desiring a quiet, simple life.
I am afraid I'll never have my dream. I am afraid I'll never make God happy. I'm afraid I'll always be alone. I'm afraid God will punish me for my lack of faith.
Please pray that I will have faith and patience in His plan for me. Thank you.