I'm fine now, I'm still kind of feeling like I'm crazy and the recognition of needing to help mixed with all the sudden emotional baggage of memories that weren't what I was thinking they were this whole time. It's enough to do, whatever it is it did to me the past couple of days. It's a fight between what I will do and an onslaught of new trauma that I either repressed or allowed other people to trick me over and over again into thinking their patronizing jokes were an accomplishment. I still am confused about everything but I'm still a human being and I want to help. I am capable of thinking beyond myself and considering everything at stake it should be the obvious solution - I'll do anything you like and it's not a lie to put on a smile because other people need to see it.

I can think happy thoughts when I need to, and until I stop remembering new trauma it's going to be a little up and down for me. The thing that makes me feel best is being CERTAIN I am helpful and not being patronized or pitied. That's the thing that keeps sending me into spirals - I don't know anything anymore - not what I was or what I am now or what anyone wants me to be or even if all of this is in my head. I probably need to see a psychologist for more than an hour - but I bet just an hour is fine to get my head on straight for what comes next, I will trust anyone right now more than myself but if they are some kind of specialist at least it feels "official" and then I can figure out the important stuff as I go.

I see the mirror sentence here and I don't know who that's for but if it includes being for me then i'm working on it, and I'll probably have it done in no time at all so long as someone tells me I helped them and I think they mean it. That's the key to happiness, helping others. I just realized all the people I helped were evil and every choice they tried to give me led to the same bad end. But the crimes against me are nothing compared to others to young to handle it or the world, whatever I am I can't help but be and yet whatever is needed I'll become that as best I can to help. The thing that'd be the worst possible trajectory here is doing nothing or pitying myself - I'm trying to help, I hope I can and God bless.