I can't fight in this battle while battling myself as well.

I'm 33 years of evidence that God does not exist or care.

Every up is always followed by a double down.

There is no going to hell after this life.

This is hell.

So where I go next I don't know but I'm gonna leave this place. I'm out. I'm done.

Keep up the battle as enough would profit and find happiness. I'm no longer fighting this battle nor fight to stay alive and make the best of it.

Good luck