Anon I totally get where you are coming from, I did it all right followed all the rules in both my private and public life. When i was young I had some major traumas that resurfaced in my late thirties and I had what is known as a mental break down that consisted of a split in my consciousness, one was the real me and the other was the me that I projected onto the world. It took a while and the battle was fierce but i chose the Real me the one that always was my barometer of right and wrong and would direct me correctly even though those in my life told me I was wrong..it always turned out that I was right…
I am sure there will a plentitude of mercy and grace for good people who may have made some bad decisions out of desperation or for their loved ones. Honesty and true desire to right a wrong goes a long way with both other humans and our Creator….
Godspeed….keep questioning things it will bring you answers.