dChan - Q Origins Project Archive

(I am so sorry for this)

In 1517 the martin luther protestant reformation breaks-off from christian catholics to doom the roman papists to hell and help martin luther get laid with a hot nun.

In 1534 english catholics break-off from roman catholics so henry can get off more often and so american episcopalians can still feel britishy.

After 1536 calvinist protestants become so formulaic that they need an anagram to exlain themselves because you can't be saved if you weren't elected, if you WERE elected you can't go to hell, and there's no way to say for sure if you're one of the elect except that you can't be if you aren't presbyterian…or if you ARE catholic.

After 1550 Lutheran protestants become weirdly amish, or stay eerily catholic looking to the point that non-papist catholic leaning people might not even be doomed to hell as much as previously believed.

1609 smythite anabaptists break-off from anglicans to either doom or rebaptize everyone baptized as a child (catholics especially) while removing the cleansing tradition of baptism even though it literally looks like bathing; eventually they rebrand as 'baptists' due to bad rap over attitudes toward baptism and only get anabaptisty if required to save a catholic; they also take sola scriptura to the next level and declare it to be self-authenticating, conveniently.

1731 totally-not-edwardian congregationalists break-off from episcopalians to selectively doom other congregationalists to hell on a church-by-church basis. Make room for rolling doom.

1735 wesleyan methodists break-off from the henrian-anglicans and doom the calvinists over predestination, fulfilling their destiny.

1801 the t&a campbellite restoration breaks-off from calvinist presbyterians to doom the smithite baptists to hell with the catholics. They are so literal, they wont use instruments when singing because they weren't commanded to in the bible. Ironically, they like to point to Romans 16:16 where the bible literally says christians "salute one another with a holy kiss" but I've never been offered a holy kiss or even a pretty-good hug by someone from the CoC sect-of-anti-sectarians. So secty.

20th century modern protestants splinter into grahamian fundamentalists and whooping evangelicals to create multiple doom-centric and cross-dooming non-denominational-denominations-in-denial - variably helping or hurting jehovahs witnesses, mormons, televangelists, stadium evangelists, healer preachers, charismatics, snake handlers, etc.