Apple Press Release:

Due to the violence that is captured and shared on our devices, we here at Apple have immediately decided to call for the ban of our own products from any further use for safety reasons.

We have noticed over the months and years how our products are being used and we do not like

what we see. Therefore, we at he BOD of Apple have also asked for your help:

Please destroy all of your smartphones and cancel your internet service. Only by your bold

action of getting your heads out of our products will we be able to make this a better and safer

world for all to live under our new regime. We must take these measures to address the proliferation

of our products which always seem to be found where violence occurs. This must stop now. Ban us.

Sincerely,

Apple, Inc.