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Cuomo Regretting Killing All Those Elderly After Losing House Seat
ALBANY, NY—Governor Andrew Cuomo is disappointed after census data revealed his state had lost thousands of citizens, causing New York to lose a seat in the House of Representatives.
"Yeah, I guess I shouldn't have murdered 15,000 elderly residents in nursing homes by forcing them to admit COVID patients," said the governor in between bites of his spicy meatball sub. "Maybe, in hindsight, I could have done better."
"Or at least, maybe if I could have gotten 89 more of those old people to fill out a census form before dying I could have prevented this." Cuomo then finished his meatball sub and began plowing into a large bowl of spaghetti.
Critics of the governor insisted that 15,000 precious human lives were worth infinitely more than just a seat in Congress, but Cuomo was unable to hear them due to chewing his food too loudly.
Cuomo is promising new initiatives to ensure more people fill out the census as they should in order to counteract all the people dying and leaving his state in record numbers.
https://babylonbee.com/news/cuomo-regretting-killing-all-those-elderly-after-losing-house-seat
Yellowstone Says They May Soon Let Buffalo Stop Wearing Masks
YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY—The CDC has released new guidelines that have eased up slightly on mask-wearing, saying the fully vaccinated don’t need masks while in small gatherings with other fully vaccinated people outside. This slight loosening of restrictions has now caused Yellowstone National Park to consider ending the requirement that all buffalo wear masks.
The masking requirement for buffalo has been controversial since it was first adopted in March of last year. Many feel it ruins nature pictures to see wildlife in masks. Also, some see it as unnecessary since the buffalo are all outside and are buffalo.
Still, Yellowstone had defended the decision. “The fact is,” said Yellowstone Park Director and Founder Bob Yellowstone, “they are gathering in large groups, which everyone knows is a COVID risk factor. Now, you can cite all your ‘science’ about mitigating risk factors such as their being outside and not being human, but it just looks bad for them not to wear masks in a pandemic.If people see them maskless, they may say, ‘I guess I don’t need one either, as I’m also a mammal.’”
Despite this, Yellowstone is saying they are considering now removing the buffalo mask requirement. As for the other controversial requirement having the bears wear ties, which was initially part of a 2010 cross-promotion for the Yogi Bear movie they say they’ve just gotten used to that and have no plans to end it.
https://babylonbee.com/news/yellowstone-says-they-may-soon-let-buffalo-stop-wearing-masks