It’s the glory of God to conceal a matter ,but it’s the honor of kings to search it out. If I was to tell you anything that might help you it would be this. Search it out. Religion is not ever going to give you what your look8ng for. However a relationship with the living God is not unattainable. In other words it’s always about a relationship that God desires to have with his creation. If you ask him and you sincerely mean it he will reveal himself to you. The Bible isn’t simply a book of dos and don’t it’s a book that reveals Gods absolute love for you. I’ve experienced this love and I’ll never be the same.