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Ghislaine Maxwell Sentenced To 10 Unsupervised Minutes With Hillary Clinton
NEW YORK, NY—After a jury found Ghislaine Maxwell guilty on five counts in her sex trafficking trial, Maxwell's sentence was quickly handed down: ten minutes unsupervised in a room with Hillary Clinton.
"Considering the gross immorality of your crimes, the court sees fitting to put you in a room with Hillary Clinton, turn off the cameras, tell the prison guards to take a short, ten-minute break, and, you know, see how it goes for ya," the judge said. He banged his gavel. "May God have mercy on your soul."
Maxwell, who had been stoic in court up to this point, broke down sobbing. Through her lawyer, she asked if she could have some kind of melee weapon during the ten minutes with Mrs. Clinton. The court relented and granted her a pool noodle.
At publishing time, the court had also declared that should Maxwell survive her ten minutes with Hillary Clinton, a millstone will be tied around her neck and she'll be "yeeted into the sea".
https://babylonbee.com/news/maxwell-sentenced-to-10-unsupervised-minutes-with-hillary-clinton
After Conviction For Sex Crimes, Ghislaine Maxwell Announces New Job At CNN
NEW YORK, NY—Ghislaine Maxwell has been convicted on 5 counts related to sex crimes committed against minors for over a decade. A few minutes after her conviction, she announced she has landed a brand-new job at CNN.
"We called Maxwell as soon as the verdict was read," said CNN President Jeff Zucker. "Ghislaine has shown us she has exactly what it takes to work here. This has nothing to do with the fact that she's really good at committing sex crimes. We are hiring her for her… um, many other qualifications. Yeah. Qualifications."
Maxwell will replace Wolf Blitzer as an anchor on The Situation Room and will also be placed in charge of the hiring of all new female interns.
"I am humbled to have been given this new opportunity at CNN," said Maxwell, "and I promise to do my best to find the very best girls—er, I mean, news. The very best news. Yeah. That's what I meant."
Ghislaine Maxwell will broadcast the news from her federal prison cell in New York City until her sentence is completed, or until she kills herself.
https://babylonbee.com/news/after-conviction-for-sex-crimes-ghislaine-maxwell-announces-new-job-at-cnn
Poll: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Support Tossing Dr. Fauci In A Volcano
U.S.—According to a poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, Americans' attitudes toward Dr. Fauci are changing. In a sample of 50,000 respondents, 5% of Americans believe Fauci to be a hero of science, 3% see him as an essential voice for COVID preparedness, and 90% support loading him into a medieval-style catapult and tossing him into an active volcano.
"We are surprised by these results, as 'tossing Fauci in a volcano' wasn't even one of the options on the survey," said a spokesperson for Pew. "Thousands of people just wrote that in."
Health experts say the trends in public opinion are "very concerning" and may point to decreased trust in lying political hacks who dress up in lab coats and claim to speak for science.
"It's alarming to see so many people losing their faith in SCIENCE, and falling into apostasy," said a spokesperson for Dr. Fauci to the press. "We need to remember that in these difficult times, SCIENCE tests our faith, to see if our hearts are truly loyal."
Pew Researchers also confirmed that most poll respondents are willing to consider not throwing Fauci into a volcano if they can launch him into the sun instead.
https://babylonbee.com/news/poll-9-out-of-10-americans-support-tossing-dr-fauci-in-a-volcano