BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Galvanized as Queen through wars, global instabilities, and numerous threats to the British royal family,

Queen Elizabeth II has responded to scandalous evidence of pedophile billionaire Prince Andrew’s predatory behavior toward vulnerable girls with a royal edict declaring that no one shall wash his Rolls-Royce.

“Some may consider this too harsh a penalty on a member of the royal family,” said a spokesman for the royal family, Bartletonby Thorngraveburry, while adjusting his monocle and pulling out his snuff bag. “However, her royal highness insists Britain make an example of the man, to assure future princes do a better job of not getting photographed with underage girls on the luxury rape islands of creepy hedge fund billionaires.”

The spokesman listed additional punishments to the royal press corps, confirming the Queens pledge to make Prince Andrew wish he’d never become besties with Jeffrey Epstein, including:

No more gold-flaked crumpets unless he asks politely

Tea still allowed, but no biscuits

He may only play polo with the gimpy royal horse

Ownership of ski chalets reduced to three

All must say “Prince Andrew” with an aire of haughty disdain

World leaders have praised the Queen’s actions, and all are happy the nation of Britain, or England, or The United Kingdom, or whatever, is finally on the road to healing.

https://babylonbee.com/news/britain-makes-example-of-pedophile-billionaire-prince-by-not-washing-his-rolls-royce

Kamala Harris So Disliked Nation Considering Hillary Clinton

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Recent national indicators have hinted that the Biden Administration may not be as popular as hoped. These revelations have forced strategists for the Democrat party to face the truth that Vice President Kamala Harris is so disliked, the nation would rather consider Hillary Clinton.

“National polls, which never lie, have shown that Americans would prefer Hillary Clinton over Kamala Harris, which is pretty bad,” said political pollster Stanlip Bilksmear, “Even more disturbing, they both polled worse than ‘The propped up corpse of serial killer John Wayne Gacy.’ That wasn’t even an option in our poll; Americans wrote it in.”

Bilksmear explained that shifts toward favorability of previously-hated politicians are not uncommon, due to peoples’ tendency to forget the harsh nastiness of some public figures. “Voters seem to have already forgotten that Hillary Clinton is as likable as a tapeworm.”

A spokesperson for the Vice President denied rumors that Harris was disliked, but would not comment further because he had already quit.

https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-harris-so-disliked-nation-considering-hillary-clinton

Omicron Vaccine To Be Made Available In March For The 12 People Who Haven't Gotten Omicron Yet

U.S—Pfizer has reiterated their commitment to the release of a new Omicron vaccine in March, just in time for the twelve people who haven't already gotten sick and recovered.

"We intend to save lives," said Derrick Pfizer while meeting with CDC officials. "Sure, Omicron is spreading so fast that it will have probably run through the majority of people by then, but this is no laughing matter. The dozen or so people who haven't had it yet will have a vaccine available so they don't have to deal with a mild cold that puts them out of work for a week."

Experts at the CDC removed additional safety requirements from vaccine development to try and get it out the door sooner but admitted there was only so much they could do to bypass government regulation.

"There are hundreds of government regulations to consider," insisted a sputtering Dana Tacoa, a spokesperson for the government agency. "We're only comfortable ignoring protocol for in-depth human testing. We have to risk the lives of every man, woman, and child so we can save the handful who don't have natural immunity yet."

When asked why scientists were working so hard on a vaccine that would be rendered useless by herd immunity Derrick Pfizer calmly reassured the public.

"Don't worry, we're not working that hard," he said.

https://babylonbee.com/news/omicron-vaccine-to-be-made-available-in-march-for-the-12-people-who-havent-gotten-omicron-yet

Biden Personally Confirms Each Government-Provided Mask Passes The Sniff Test

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden Administration has announced that it will be providing high-quality masks to the American people for free. Taking no chances, President Joe Biden has committed to personally ensuring each mask passes the sniff test.

“Look, here’s the deal: we can’t just hand out any old kind of mask. If we’re gonna stop omicold—I mean omicron, then we need high-quality N95 masks,” Biden said. “That’s why I’ve tested each and every mask making sure they’re strong enough to block covid, but still able to smell the things we all love most such as food, candles, and a woman’s hair.”

“Now I can still give the ladies a good ol’ sniff without having to worry about catching omicron,” Biden continued. “When you’re wearing one of these bad boys you don’t even have to keep 6ft apart, which is perfect for coming up behind a woman and sniffing her neck.”

At publishing time, the White House announced that they would be requiring double N95 masks in hopes of preventing Biden from going around sniffing everyone.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-personally-confirms-each-government-provided-mask-passes-the-sniff-test

To Save Time, Biden To Ship 500 Million Free Masks Directly To Landfill

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House is releasing new details surrounding President Biden’s plan to send free facemasks to every American. In an effort to save time, the free masks will be shipped directly to landfills nationwide.

“The science tells us that wearing a high-quality mask over your nose and mouth probably might possibly help prevent COVID maybe,” said press secretary Jen Psaki. “Therefore, the President is committed to making sure every American has access to a medium-quality government mask manufactured by the lowest bidder.”

“That being said, we realize that anyone who wants to wear a mask probably owns several dozen already,” Psaki continued. “We also know that many others want your grandmother to die and thus refuse to wear masks at all. So, to save money, we’ll be shipping all masks directly to local landfills.”

Joe Marsecci, chairman of the Masked Citizens Environmental Alliance, praised the Biden administration’s decision. “The decision to ship these masks directly to the landfill saves both time and money, as well as reducing carbon emissions from delivery and waste-hauling services,” Marsecci said. “The only thing more ecologically responsible would be dumping all the masks directly into the ocean.”

At press time, the White House was denying reports that Biden’s plan to purchase 500 million facemasks was in any way related to his son Hunter being named chairman of the board of a large Ukrainian facemask conglomerate.

https://babylonbee.com/news/to-save-time-biden-to-send-500-million-free-masks-directly-to-landfill

>>15380462

Tyb

Happy Rally Day

>>15380523

Pure Evil

Column: California should abolish parenthood, in the name of equity

Joe Mathews

Zócalo Public Square

If California is ever going to achieve true equity, the state must require parents to give away their children.

Today’s Californians often hold up equity — the goal of a just society completely free from bias — as our greatest value. Gov. Gavin Newsom makes decisions through “an equity lens.” Institutions from dance ensembles to tech companies have publicly pledged themselves to equity.

But their promises are no match for the power of parents.

Fathers and mothers with greater wealth and education are more likely to transfer these advantages to their children, compounding privilege over generations. As a result, children of less advantaged parents face an uphill struggle, social mobility has stalled, and democracy has been corrupted. More Californians are abandoning the dream; a recent Public Policy Institute of California poll found declining belief in the notion that you can get ahead through hard work.

My solution — making raising your own children illegal — is simple, and while we wait for the legislation to pass, we can act now: the rich and poor should trade kids, and homeowners might swap children with their homeless neighbors.

Now, I recognize that some naysayers will dismiss such a policy as ghastly, even totalitarian. But my proposal is quite modest, a fusion of traditional philosophy and today’s most common political obsessions.

In his “Republic,” Plato adopted Socrates’ sage advice — that children “be possessed in common, so that no parent will know his own offspring or any child his parents” — in order to defeat nepotism, and create citizens loyal not to their sons but to society.

Today, a policy of universal orphanhood aligns with powerful social trends that point to less interest in family. Californians are slower to marry, and are having fewer children — our birth rate is at an all-time low.

My proposal also should be politically unifying, fitting hand-in-glove with the most cherished policies of progressives and Trumpians alike.

https://www.vcstar.com/story/opinion/columnists/2022/01/13/column-california-should-abolish-parenthood-name-equity/6513756001/

TheStormHasArrived17 ⭐️⭐️⭐️

This message is for the doomers who constantly comment that Trump’s statements are “all talk, no action” or “he always says the same thing”…

Trump has to make these statements. He needs to be constantly reminding the world where he stands on everything, over and over. Most of his statements aren’t meant for those of us who are awake. They are for the rest of the world. He needs to make sure EVERYONE knows his position before the shit hits the fan - whatever & whenever that may be.

What if he just remained silent and didn’t say anything? What if he didn’t hold rallies? How would you feel then?

So take a deep breath and try to enjoy it. You have a front row seat to a moment in time that will be written into the history books and talked about 1,000’s of years from now.

The best is yet to come 🇺🇸

https://t.me/TheStormHasArrived17/7498

>>15380567

violence is the only refuge of the incompetent

settle down dumbass, this is above your purview

>>15380591

confirmed

>>15376565 pb

>>15380591

>>15380597

>>15380602

07