Satan is vanquished. God won.
Satan lies in a grave in a septic pit in upstate New York in a small rural town on the edge of the Catskill mountains. His coffin is a crappy little plastic chicken livers container, filled with concrete stirred with a black plastic take-out fork. He was lured into a trap with intent to take out his victim who instead snared him with a blue oval topaz ring dangled from a yellow ball of yarn. Thus ensued a heated confrontation of approximately 45 minutes, during which he was at times paralyzed, wiped wildly around in circles, and shaken like a little drunken marionette. The ungrateful little bitch eventually yielded after being threatened with public humiliation in the driveway to be witnessed by a yard full of gossipy birds. His intended victim, already the neighborhood crazy lady, had nothing to lose. Although satan strongly objected to his legacy being wiped out as well, he did accept defeat, agreed to leave God’s Kingdom and take with him all of his evil luggage and his seven deadly sins. The topaz ring was the last sacrifice to satan, but it was gladly relinquished, having only cost $24 at a thrift shop in Old Lyme, Connecticut. This detail, that the ring although genuine, cost no more than a trinket, enraged the fallen angel with the painful sting of insult to injury.
He whimpered and cried while his coffin was prepared and he then was pressed into the soggy quickset to be silenced forever. A song by the Winterpills called Sunspots (Ruins) was hummed for his requiem. He was then dropped into the pit and some effort was made to poke him to the bottom with a flimsy stick, but he chose to float among the runny brown feces.
Satan put up a desperate battle to his last breath and still gasped, even bobbing in shit, all while the Lady Rotor plumber snaked the drain to its full length. Although the snake sputtered in the cold mountain gusts the undertaker took it in stride and wrestled that snake to victory. Eventually just a small, possibly empty, black plastic baggie emerged from the jammed up sewer pipe and joined the murky sledge. Freeing the pipe with the snake did not quite take satan down, but while the undertaker/plumber was indoors plunging the still clogged toilet, satan had his final come to Jesus moment and capitulated with a huge glug-glug, much to the relief of the attending tenant. With the shit covered snake nicely coiled up and packed away, the lid to the last door to Hell was finally dropped in place and weighted with a cracked cinder block. Satan was for sure, a lil fighter.
The undertaker, happily lit a marlboro, received $300 provided earlier by the landlord (whose initials spell G.O.D.) and left the occasion none the wiser.
God in Heaven provided witness and details for the funeral including outrageously loud construction music that could only be described as an angry roaring dragon. Appropriately, an apple tree and a white gate at the end of the driveway compliments the gravesite. Afterward, at the scene of satan's conquest, concrete dust was cleaned up with Palmolive.
Satan had been given a chose of life in hell for eternity or suicide. He wisely chose suicide. His time of death was 2:06 pm EST. January 20, 2022. May we all rest in peace.