GAVIN NEWSOM HANGED AT GITMO
weapons-grade baloneyium sammich on two thick slices of whole wheat hopium bread.
Rear Adm. Crandall spoke: “Gavin Newsom, you’ve been sentenced to hang, having been convicted of treason and unspeakable crimes against children, by a military commission. As is customary, do you want Last Rites, or care to speak any last words?”
“Yeah, you’re all pawns here, including you, Crandall. You feed on the belief you’re righting wrongs, that you’re in some kind of position of power allowing you, a nothing, the authority to judge what is black and what is white. You know what I feed on? I feed on fear and pleasure. I was chosen to rule. You say I blaspheme, but what I did, I did because I can, and because it feels good. You think you’re killing me today, but it’s an illusion,” Newsom hissed.
“It’s far too late for an insanity defense,” Rear Adm. Crandall called out.
“Ready when you are, Crandall,” Newsom spat, and his English suddenly became what can be described only as some cadence of tongues. His tongue flicked in and out of his mouth. “Vermes et vermiculi comedent animam tuam,” Newsom said in Latin. The phrase, loosely translated to English, means “worms will eat your soul.”
“We should’ve known he’s bigtime crazy,” said one of the politicians in attendance.
Rear Adm. Crandall instructed the soldier atop the platform to press the button, and a moment later Newsom’s lifeless body dangled from the rope. A Navy physician felt for a pulse and moved a stethoscope over Newsom’s chest.
“He’s gone,” the physician said, and pronounced Newsom dead at 7:35 a.m. (EST)
Newsom’s corpse was sealed in a polyurethane bag and taken to an unknown location.
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