4D Chess: Truckers Loot Nike Stores, Burn Some Cop Cars So GoFundMe Will Reinstate Them
OTTAWA—Truckers taking part in the Freedom Convoy have had their GoFundMe page reinstated after employing a clever tactic: burning cop cars, trashing minority neighborhoods, and looting Nike Stores to trick GoFundMe into allowing them back on the platform.
Smart!
"Er – racial justice or whatever, eh?!" shouted one trucker disguised in a bandana, holding a fist of justice into the air. "We're fightin' for them, you know, them black folks and what-not, I tell you what, eh?
"All cops must die!" he added, before quickly adding, "Sorry."
After seeing the police cars burning throughout Ottawa, the smoke rising from black and brown neighborhoods around the city, and thousands of truckers running off with appropriated Nike boxes and Gucci bags, GoFundMe relented and allowed them to continue raising funds.
"We hadn't realized these truckers were actually noble activists on the right side of history," said GoFundMe spokesperson Mel Samurott. "We've immediately reinstated their account once we saw them punching cops, throwing bricks at conservative journalists, and kicking pregnant ladies."
"We apologize for the error."
https://babylonbee.com/news/4d-chess-truckers-loot-nike-stores-burn-some-cop-cars-so-gofundme-will-reinstate-them
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Nation Furious At Man Who Shared Medical Misinformation And Said The N-Word
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Millions of people around the world are calling for the immediate removal and de-platforming of Joe Biden after investigators uncovered his troubling history of sharing deadly medical misinformation and saying the n-word constantly.
"There are literally hours of tape of Biden making the most disgusting racist statements, and sharing dangerous misinformation, such as 'cloth masks work.' He even said the n-word at Clarence Thomas's confirmation hearing!" said Fredrick Dinglefleep, President of the Southern Poverty Law Center. "We're honestly not sure how we didn't catch this before."
Experts are scratching their heads as to how a flaming racist with a propensity for speaking unscientific nonsense managed to sneak his way into the oval office. Some are suggesting he did so with a series of endearing folksy catchphrases such as: "Come on, man!"
When asked for comment, Biden said, "Wear a cloth mask because they work, and if you don't wear one, you ain't a [n-word]!"
https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-furious-at-man-who-shared-medical-misinformation-and-said-the-n-word
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Joe Rogan Agrees To Only Spread CDC-Approved Misinformation
AUSTIN, TX—The world's most popular podcaster and elk meat enthusiast Joe Rogan has agreed to stop spreading unapproved misinformation and only share misinformation that has been approved by the CDC first, sources confirmed this week.
"Look, I've made some mistakes," he said sheepishly in a video posted to social media Friday. "I haven't always thought about how platforming guests who spread misinformation that hasn't been approved by the government can be damaging to the narrative. Rather than sharing discussions that might promote misinformation that hasn't hit the mainstream yet, our show will now only push misinformation that benefits our overlords."
The statement brought some sought-after clarity to Rogan's listeners, who were confused when Spotify began cracking down on misinformation but failed to remove thousands of shows that push misinformation that supports government propaganda.
Going forward, the Joe Rogan Experience will have a team of fact-checkers on loan from Facebook and Twitter to verify that every false statement Rogan or a guest promotes is a false statement that the government wants to push on the public at that particular time. Unapproved misinformation will be censored or held until a future time a few weeks down the road when it has been revealed to be true all along.
https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-rogan-agrees-to-only-spread-cdc-approved-misinformation
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https://babylonbee.com/