'Never Has America Faced A Greater Threat Than Donald Trump,' Says Guy Who Started Two Wars And Shot A Dude In The Face

Aug 5, 2022

WILSON, WY — Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who famously started two wars in the Middle East and shot a dude in the face while hunting, now says Donald Trump is the greatest threat America has ever faced.

"Donald Trump is an evil reprobate and a big meanie, and a danger to our Constitutional rights," growled the retired politician who orchestrated the brutal torture of hundreds of detainees who were held without trial. "We must make sure he never gets elected to office again. And also, vote for my daughter, Liz."

Political consultants applauded Liz Cheney for her brilliant move of tapping on of the most hated politicians in history to help boost her political chances. Initial polling indicates her approval has climbed .0000002 percentage points since Dick Cheney's statement.

"If there's a singular figure universally adored by every hard-working American, it's Dick Cheney," said a spokesperson for the campaign. "We are grateful for his endorsement, and look forward to seeing her represent the citizens of Wyoming."

Trump was quick to respond to Cheney's statement, saying "Poor little Dick Cheney! He's so mad that I got elected president instead of him. Boo hoo! Maybe he should stop shooting dudes in the face! Sorry, Dick!"

At publishing time, Liz Cheney's approval dipped again after her Dad accidentally shot another dude in the face.

https://babylonbee.com/news/never-has-america-faced-a-greater-threat-than-donald-trump-says-guy-who-started-two-wars-and-shot-a-dude-in-the-face

Brittney Griner Rewarded With 9 Years Of Not Hearing The U.S. National Anthem

Aug 4, 2022

MOSCOW — WNBA star Brittney Griner has been found guilty of drug trafficking charges in Russia. The judge has sentenced Griner to 9 years in a Russian penal colony where she will never have to hear America's national anthem being played.

"I'm thrilled with this ruling," said Griner to reporters. "For 9 years I will be free from the systemic racism of America and will never have to hear that awful national anthem being played. I look forward to living out the next decade far away in beautiful Russia."

Sources close to Griner say she is also thrilled that she got the exact same sentence a man would have gotten for the exact same crime. "In Russia, they really seem to care about closing the sentencing gap between men and women," she said.

Russian authorities say Griner will be given special tasks around the penal colony, such as reaching things on high shelves, pruning the tops of trees, and breaking large rocks into little rocks.

"I just want to say thank you to Vladimir Putin for saving me from the racist hellhole that is the United States, if only for 9 years," said Griner.

At publishing time, President Biden proposed bringing Griner back home by exchanging her for Hunter Biden

https://babylonbee.com/news/brittney-griner-rewarded-with-9-years-of-not-hearing-the-us-national-anthem

FBI Adds Itself To FBI Watch List

Aug 4, 2022

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to protect the safety and security of millions of Americans, the FBI has added itself to the FBI watchlist.

"When we reflected on the vast number of pedophiles, insurrectionists, frauds, and killers in our organization, we thought: 'Holy cow! Someone needs to keep an eye on these weirdos!'" said FBI Director Christopher Wray to reporters. "That's why today we have decided to place the FBI on the FBI watchlist so the FBI can keep a close eye on the FBI before the FBI does something terrible."

Congress is demanding oversight of the FBI's monitoring of the FBI, as the FBI has been known in the past to let the FBI get away with horrific crimes. The FBI in turn is monitoring the Congressional oversight committee in charge of overseeing the FBI's oversight of the FBI. "Americans shouldn't worry, we have this all under control," said Wray.

Critics of the move expressed concern this may hamper the FBI's ability to organize governor kidnapping schemes, insurrections, and mass shootings.

"Without the FBI at our disposal, we may have to turn to traditional partners such as the mafia to fight our political enemies," said one anonymous Washington bureaucrat. "What's the world coming to?"

At publishing time, the FBI announced they now have the FBI in custody. Unfortunately, they released the FBI from custody a few minutes later.

https://babylonbee.com/news/fbi-adds-itself-to-fbi-watch-list