There isn't any reason why I should be here. Who I am and 3 bucks will get me a cup of coffee. You do realize I'm ending a 22 year relationship that has fostered incredible children.
My work is done now. They are grown, have their degrees mostly and are on a path. No grandchildren to take care of.
The stress levels are past unimaginable. On top of that I know who I am, but have yet to be who I'm meant to be. Should I stay or should I go through the agony of this painful process one more time. Death is easier to deal with, at least it is final.
Will I get any help from any of you? Since you haven't spoken to me in three years, probably not. You watch everything, you know what's happening, if I just had a stable shoulder to cry on and an understanding ear, this wouldn't be so goddamned hard. But as you know, I've got 1 friend, who's damned near dead and my kids. My kids don't want to know the details, seriously would you? So, you are now all I have left, and it appears as my job here on earth is fading by the moment, no one is waking up, no one wants to change, and everyone is too fat and happy watching porn and netflix. Evil seems to be winning or appears to have the upper hand. The thing is I know you control both sides of the game. You control the media, and basically the world, so you are the good guys acting as the devil to wake up souls.
We are coming up on five years. My self-esteem is literally shit. my view of myself is shit. For over 20 years I've been living a lie of mass proportions for what? No man will hold him in great esteem, no man will like him, he will be looked upon as afflicted. Thanks a fucking lot for that one. Guess they put that in so I would never play favorites to anyone? How can I promote love when it just ran me over like a high-speed train? How can I promote anything when I'm a shell inside? All I am is a walking pile of shit right now, not knowing anything that might lift my spirits a little, give me hope for my future, something to look forward to, to plan for. I've got nothing. Nothing but this giant one-man pity party, because I trusted someone too much. Please tell me something is about to happen, anything to take my mind focuses off my own shitty life. All I have ever wanted was to be loved as much as I love, to be fucking happy and not mind fucked all the time. Has anyone over there thought what it must be to be in my shoes? My heart is being ripped out every single day I am alive. You confirmed my feeling of who I am 4.5 years ago and since then silence, or at least silence because I couldn't understand if you were communicating or not. Not big on reading between the lines. Imagine being me, but never really being told who you are, and you're not good at games such as these. It sucks, it makes me feel like I've done something wrong, that I'm the one that is holding up the parade because I cannot figure out what to do next. My mind is thinking, ya, they'll tell me what I need to do right? That it is probably best if I just sit down, and keep my mouth shut. It is driving me insane not knowing. Insane with the idea I am supposed to remember something that will spark memories or events I once had that will solve the mystery.. Give me hope, tell me it will get better. Tell me my future is filled with fucking happiness. No, I'm not the first or last asshole this has happened to, just another human meat bag filled with stupid feelings that God gave me so I can feel like shit. Thank God for kids, that's the only thing of value I possess. Do you have a clue how much pain fills each and every day I breathe? It would be nice to know it's not all for nothing, that it serves some demented purpose. Or perhaps my judgment is occurring before I die, if that's the case, I don't think I've been this bad or hurt others anywhere near this amount. My life has been spent trying to do the right thing, even when no one is looking. The ten commandments are law, and I respect each commandment as a glue to society. Though I may have broken a few, I don't think it was intentional. No stealing, no coveting, no adultery, no bearing false witness, no stealing, and of course no murder.
So if there is a reason you need me here, let me know what it is, otherwise, I'm going to make other plans in the quest for my ultimate happiness. Imagine twenty years of no love and all lies? The next thing they'll tell me is that I'm a leper. I'm tired, I'm old and I'm in pain, do you see why I need to hear something that gives me hope?? Does that give me any boost for the future? Otherwise, I'll be moving on soon, just like the kid in I Pet Goat.
Seriously it isn't funny anymore. Enough is enough, my expiration date is fast approaching unless refrigerated.
Sure would be nice to talk to a sympathetic ear.