WOE-PENING CEREMONIES
A dictatorship where slavery is commonplace, homosexuality is illegal, and women are subjugated, Qatar saw the World Cup as an opportunity to prove that it’s even worse than its reputation.
The greatest minds in Qatar (five camels and a caracal) decided that creating an Olympics-style opening ceremony would be just the thing to psychologically destroy attendees to the point where they’d accept Islam to end their torment.
The spectacle began with a white ghostlike figure in a Klan robe sweeping over the stage, a tribute to American noose hoaxes. A petite lip-synching woman joined in (correction: It was Korean boy-band superstar Jungkook). Then Morgan Freeman entered, also lip-synching (poorly) to a speech about tolerance (for everyone but gays, women, and slaves), a magical moment briefly interrupted as Qatari emir Tamim walked by to give him huge bags of cash in sacks with dollar signs on them in exchange for his soul (“Honestly,” Freeman snapped, “you couldn’t have picked a worse time”).
Then Freeman knelt to speak with a talking soccer ball. Wait, it was actually Ghanim al-Muftah, a deformed Qatari “influencer” born with nothing below his chest (he’s the poster boy for the emirate’s campaign to promote birth control in man/sheep couplings). As Freeman tried to look comfortable sitting on the floor talking to inch-high caliphi (and here even Freeman’s talents failed him), Tamim invited the Saudi crown prince on stage, where the latter bragged about having recently beheaded four women for “sorcery.”
Whether the heads will be used as balls in upcoming matches, the emirate has yet to say.
Vladimir Putin told the AP, “Losing all those men in Ukraine was a small price to pay for getting banned from this dumpster fire.”
Meanwhile, Hollywood’s planning a Shawshank Redemption reboot with Freeman reprising his role of Red and Ghanim al-Muftah as Andy. “I remember thinking it would take Andy 600 years to tunnel out of here. Turns out all I had to do was stuff him in a pillowcase and chuck him over the wall like a hammer throw. I hope he landed in the Pacific.”
https://www.takimag.com/article/the-week-that-perished-218/