>I have a pretty retarded mental health history
You're going to need to find a MEPS shrink willing to give you a waiver. Good Luck.
Or, you can claim you're a tranny. Pull the ol' Reverse Corporal Klinger on them. Just keep looking around the office while you keep repeating "sooooo many dicks" or something like that. You'll be at Airborne school before you know it.