The Merry Old Philosopher - Eddie Lawrence

Hello, there, little ones.

You say your old man dressed up as Santa Claus and can't get his belly through the fireplace?

And you hang up a purple bulb on the tree and three thousand volts go through ya?

And your brother made an animal cage out of your Erector set, and Grandma can't get out?

And someone opened a window while you're sortin' stamps and all your triangles are flying around the house?

And one of your gifts, a strange little shiny box, suddenly takes off and is now circling the earth at twelve-hundred miles-an-hour?

Is that what's troublin' you, tiny tots?!?

WELL, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN LOW AND TAKE A RUN IN THE SNOW, WITH THAT DEVIL-MAY-CARE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! FOR THE WHOLE WORLD'S SINGING A HAPPY SONG AS MERRILY YOU ROLL ALONG! YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP…NEVER GIVE UP…NEVER GIVE UP…

…THAT SLED!!!

Hey, there, moppets.

You say your mischievous cousin Wilbur gave ya "Moosehead" with the moose still in it?

And you ate so many candy sticks, your nose is green with red and white nostrils on it?

And you just can't seem to piece together your life-size "assemble-it-yourself" ranch house?

And you just got a pine needle right up your cuticle? (OW!)

And Aunt Bertie ain't come home from Macy's yet, and it's been eight days now?

And your daddy chopped down a pine tree in the forest and brings it in and a big gray eagle flies out and won't leave the bedroom?

Is that what's perturbing you, moppets?

WELL, LIFT YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND TAKE A FLOP ON THE ICE, WITH THAT MELODY RINGING IN YOUR HEAD AND A "HEFTY-DOODLELY-DEE" IN YOUR HEART! YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP…NEVER GIVE UP…NEVER GIVE UP…

…THOSE SKATES!

Hey, there, boobies.

You say that smolderin' Yule log is so wet and sticky, everyone's gasping for breath while trying to look merry?

And…and your Uncle Harold came in as a big jolly bear, and your father shot him?

And your little doggie swallowed some of them jingle bells and is driving the whole house crazy?

And…and you went sleigh riding in a big blizzard and you can't find your way home and, while you're wanderin' in a field, you get picked up by a big snow shovel and dumped into a truck headed for an ice cold river?

And your little toy grocery store went out of business?

Is that what's on your minds, boobies?!?''

WELL, LIFT YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND TAKE A WALK IN THE SLUSH WITH THAT DIGNITY AND STICK-TO-IT-NESS, THAT YOU'LL SHOW MARS, YOU'LL SHOW PLUTO! YOU'LL SHOW 'EM WHERE TO GET OFF! YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP…NEVER GIVE UP…NEVER GIVE UP…

…that old Christmas spirit…no matter WHO broke your new bicycle! This is the old philosopher saying, "Merry Christmas, cousins, and a hefty-doodlely- dee!"

COME ON, THUNDER! COME ON, BLITZEN! AND A HEFTY-DOODLELY-DEE! SANTA WANTS YOU TO KEEP MOVING!!!

⚔⛨