This is the most American salad ever made.

Arrayed on the Ladies' Day banquet table were yellow-green avocado pear halves stuffed with crabmeat and

mayonnaise, and platters of rare roast beef and cold chicken, and every so often a cut-glass bowl heaped with black

caviar. I hadn't had time to eat any breakfast at the hotel cafeteria that morning, except for a cup of over-stewed coffee so

bitter it made my nose curl, and I was starving.

Before I came to New York I'd never eaten out in a proper restaurant. I don't count Howard Johnson's, where I only

had French fries and cheeseburgers and vanilla frappes with people like Buddy Willard. I'm not sure why it is, but I love

food more than just about anything else. No matter how much I eat, I never put on weight. With one exception I've been

the same weight for ten years.

My favourite dishes are full of butter and cheese and sour cream. In New York we had so many free luncheons with

people on the magazine and various visiting celebrities I developed the habit of running my eye down those huge,

handwritten menus, where a tiny side-dish of peas costs fifty or sixty cents, until I'd picked the richest, most expensive

dishes and ordered a string of them.

We were always taken out on expense accounts, so I never felt guilty. I made a point of eating so fast I never kept

the other people waiting who generally ordered only chef's salad and grapefruit juice because they were trying to reduce.

Almost everybody I met in New York was trying to reduce.

'I want to welcome the prettiest, smartest bunch of young ladies our staff has yet had the good luck to meet,' the

plump, bald master-of-ceremonies wheezed into his lapel microphone. 'This banquet is just a small sample of the

hospitality our Food Testing Kitchens here on Ladies' Day would like to offer in appreciation for your visit.'

A delicate, ladylike spatter of applause, and we all sat down at the enormous linen-draped table.

There were eleven of us girls from the magazine, together with most of our supervising editors, and the whole staff

of the Ladies' Day Food Testing Kitchens in hygienic white smocks, neat hair-nets and flawless make-up of a uniform

peach-pie colour.

There were only eleven of us, because Doreen was missing. They had set her place next to mine for some reason,

and the chair stayed empty. I saved her place-card for her—a pocket mirror with 'Doreen' painted along the top of it in

lacy script and a wreath of frosted daisies around the edge, framing the silver hole where her face would show.

Doreen was spending the day with Lenny Shepherd. She spent most of her free time with Lenny Shepherd now.

In the hour before our luncheon at Ladies' Day—the big women's magazine that features lush double-page spreads

of technicolour meals, with a different theme and locale each month—we had been shown around the endless glossy

kitchens and seen how difficult it is to photograph apple pie à la mode under bright lights because the ice-cream keeps

melting and has to be propped up from behind with toothpicks and changed every time it starts looking too soppy.

The sight of all the food stacked in those kitchens made me dizzy. It's not that we hadn't enough to eat at home, it's

just that my grandmother always cooked economy joints and economy meat-loafs and had the habit of saying, the minute

you lifted the first forkful to your mouth, 'I hope you enjoy that, it cost forty-one cents a pound,' which always made me

feel I was somehow eating pennies instead of Sunday roast.

While we were standing up behind our chairs listening to the welcome speech, I had bowed my head and secretly

eyed the position of the bowls of caviar. One bowl was set strategically between me and Doreen's empty chair.

I figured the girl across from me couldn't reach it because of the mountainous centrepiece of marzipan fruit, and

Betsy, on my right, would be too nice to ask me to share it with her if I just kept it out of the way at my elbow by my

bread-and-butter plate. Besides, another bowl of caviar sat a little way to the right of the girl next to Betsy, and she

could eat that.

My grandfather and I had a standing joke. He was the head waiter at a country club near my home town, and every

Sunday my grandmother drove in to bring him home for his Monday off. My brother and I alternated going with her, and

my grandfather always served Sunday supper to my grandmother and whichever of us was along as if we were regular

club guests. He loved introducing me to special titbits, and by the age of nine I had developed a passionate taste for cold

vichyssoise and caviar and anchovy paste.

The joke was that at my wedding my grandfather would see I had all the caviar I could eat. It was a joke because I

never intended to get married, and even if I did, my grandfather couldn't have afforded enough caviar unless he robbed

the country club kitchen and carried it off in a suitcase.

Under cover of the clinking of water goblets and silverware and bone china, I paved my plate with chicken slices.

Then I covered the chicken slices with caviar thickly as if I were spreading peanut-butter on a piece of bread. Then I

picked up the chicken slices in my fingers one by one, rolled them so the caviar wouldn't ooze off and ate them.

I'd discovered, after a lot of extreme apprehension about what spoons to use, that if you do something incorrect at

table with a certain arrogance, as if you knew perfectly well you were doing it properly, you can get away with it and

nobody will think you are bad-mannered or poorly brought up. They will think you are original and very witty.

I learned this trick the day Jay Cee took me to lunch with a famous poet. He wore a horrible, lumpy, speckled

brown tweed jacket and grey pants and a red-and-blue checked open-throated jersey in a very formal restaurant full of

fountains and chandeliers, where all the other men were dressed in dark suits and immaculate white shirts.

This poet ate his salad with his fingers, leaf by leaf, while talking to me about the antithesis of nature and art. I

couldn't take my eyes off the pale, stubby white fingers travelling back and forth from the poet's salad bowl to the poet's

mouth with one dripping lettuce leaf after another. Nobody giggled or whispered rude remarks. The poet made eating

salad with your fingers seem to be the only natural and sensible thing to do.

None of our magazine editors or the Ladies' Day staff members sat anywhere near me, and Betsy seemed sweet and

friendly, she didn't even seem to like caviar, so I grew more and more confident. When I finished my first plate of cold

chicken and caviar, I laid out another. Then I tackled the avocado and crabmeat salad.

Avocados are my favourite fruit. Every Sunday my grandfather used to bring me an avocado pear hidden at the

bottom of his briefcase under six soiled shirts and the Sunday comics. He taught me how to eat avocados by melting

grape jelly and French dressing together in a saucepan and filling the cup of the pear with the garnet sauce. I felt

homesick for that sauce. The crabmeat tasted bland in comparison.

'How was the fur show?' I asked Betsy, when I was no longer worried about competition over my caviar. I scraped

the last few salty black eggs from the dish with my soup spoon and licked it clean.

'It was wonderful,' Betsy smiled. 'They showed us how to make an all-purpose neckerchief out of mink tails and a

gold chain, the sort of chain you can get an exact copy of at Woolworth's for a dollar ninety-eight, and Hilda nipped

down to the wholesale fur warehouses right afterwards and bought a bunch of mink tails at a big discount and dropped in

at Woolworth's and then stitched the whole thing together coming up on the bus.'

I peered over at Hilda, who sat on the other side of Betsy. Sure enough, she was wearing an expensive-looking

scarf of furry tails fastened on one side by a dangling gilt chain.

I never really understood Hilda. She was six feet tall, with huge, slanted, green eyes and thick red lips and a vacant,

Slavic expression. She made hats. She was apprenticed to the Fashion Editor, which set her apart from the more literary

ones among us like Doreen and Betsy and I myself, who all wrote columns, even if some of them were only about health

and beauty. I don't know if Hilda could read, but she made startling hats. She went to a special school for making hats in

New York and every day she wore a new hat to work, constructed by her own hands out of bits of straw or fur or ribbon

or veiling in subtle, bizarre shades.

'That's amazing,' I said. 'Amazing.' I missed Doreen. She would have murmured some fine, scalding remark about

Hilda's miraculous furpiece to cheer me up.

I felt very low. I had been unmasked only that morning by Jay Cee herself, and I felt now that all the uncomfortable

suspicions I had about myself were coming true, and I couldn't hide the truth much longer. After nineteen years of running

after good marks and prizes and grants of one sort and another, I was letting up, slowing down, dropping clean out of the

race.

'Why didn't you come along to the fur show with us?' Betsy asked. I had the impression she was repeating herself,

and that she'd asked me the same question a minute ago, only I couldn't have been listening. 'Did you go off with

Doreen?'

'No,' I said, 'I wanted to go to the fur show, but Jay Cee called up and made me come into the office.' That wasn't

quite true about wanting to go to the show, but I tried to convince myself now that it was true, so I could be really

wounded about what Jay Cee had done.

I told Betsy how I had been lying in bed that morning planning to go to the fur show. What I didn't tell her was that

Doreen had come into my room earlier and said, 'What do you want to go to that assy show for, Lenny and I are going to

Coney Island, so why don't you come along? Lenny can get you a nice fellow, the day's shot to hell anyhow with that

luncheon and then the film première in the afternoon, sonobody'll miss us.'

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