dChan - Q Origins Project Archive

KYIV, UKRAINE—Gazing wistfully at an old framed photo of the 53-year-old American, Ukrainian officials admitted Tuesday that the country had been in shambles ever since Hunter Biden left. “We don’t want your Abrams tanks or your Javelin missiles or your billions of dollars in aid—we just want Hunter back,” said Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky, who let out a long sigh as he recalled the halcyon days when President Biden’s son served on the board of energy company Burisma, and all in the nation was prosperous, peaceful, and well. “So goes Hunter Biden, so goes Ukraine. Call me crazy, but I’d give up every last drone in the world if it meant we could have that guy back in the country for just a single day. Hunter, if you’re listening, please come back. You were the glue holding us together. And to be honest, you’re doing pretty bad without us too.” At press time, Zelensky was reportedly attempting to entice Hunter Biden to return by holding up asmall bag of cocaine.

erhmahgurd ID: 6f1e13 Hunter Biden Admits It Was Poor Judgment To Be Involved With Corrupt Biden Family May 31, 2023, 1:23 p.m. No.18930963 🗄️.is 🔗kun

WESTERVILLE, OH—In a television interview where he conceded that he had made some significant mistakes, Hunter Biden admitted Tuesday it was poor judgment on his part to be involved with the corrupt Biden family. “Now that I’ve had time to step back and take stock, it’s clear to me that due to the numerous improprieties swirling around them, I never should have gotten involved with the Biden family in the first place,” said Hunter, 49, adding that although he believed his conduct and that of the Bidens fell short of anything illegal, members of the family were clearly involved in shady financial dealings and questionable foreign entanglements, and he should have steered clear altogether. “When I received a position in the Biden family, I was obviously afforded a great deal of power and opportunity, and all that opulence got the better of me. When you’re in that deep, sometimes you don’t see how bad things really are. I understand that I’m under more scrutiny that most people, and to be publicly involved with the Biden family gives the appearance that I’ve done things the American people wouldn’t approve of. I take full responsibility for my involvement with the Bidens, and I’m sorry.” Hunter added that he sought to rise above any further scrutiny by announcing that he was stepping down from the Biden family

>>18930955

erhmahgurd ID: 6f1e13 Putin Tells Girlfriend He Was Hit With Sanctions On Condoms May 31, 2023, 1:26 p.m. No.18930977 🗄️.is 🔗kun

MOSCOW—Pausing their foreplay to haphazardly look around for a prophylactic, Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly told his girlfriend Thursday that he has been hit with serious sanctions on condoms. “I’m sorry, babe, these sanctions keep getting more and more extreme,” said the longtime leader currently in the midst of an ongoing war with Ukraine, blaming the increasingly extreme sanctions from G7 countries over the course of the conflict as the reasoning for why they “pretty much have no other choice” than to do it bareback tonight. “They’re really limiting the kinds of products we can get here in an effort to make me cave and surrender, but I have to hold strong—you understand, right? As you know, prices are outrageous, there’s a blockade on a lot of stuff, and the best thing we can do for the people of Russia is to act like a lack of condoms doesn’t affect us in the least. We could stick to hand or mouth stuff tonight, but that is playing into exactly what Zelensky and Biden want. Plus, it would violate the Geneva Convention not to continue our love-making right when things are heating up. So, should I keep going, or…” At press time, Putin dramatically condemned the stern oil sanctions on Russia as the reason he could not give his girlfriend a ride home afterward.

>>18930975

erhmahgurd ID: 6f1e13 Putin Stays Up Late Constantly Refreshing Website For Results From Rigged Elections May 31, 2023, 1:28 p.m. No.18930984 🗄️.is 🔗kun

MOSCOW—Clicking back and forth between the open tabs on his web browser, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly stayed up late Friday night, constantly refreshing a website to check for results from a rigged referendum to determine whether occupied areas of Ukraine would join Russia. “I already know what’s going to happen, but I still get super anxious waiting to see the outcomes of preordained elections,” said Putin, pacing around his bedroom for a few seconds before rushing back to the computer screen for updates on the annexation vote being overseen in a war zone by Russian authorities. “I mean, I inflated the vote counts for my side and ordered troops to force dissenters to stay away from the polls, but I’m just a junky watching these things. Annexation is ahead now and will win by a large margin because I already have the results right here in my hand, but I still get those butterflies in my stomach like anything could happen.” At press time, Putin was screaming at officials for congratulating him before the polls closed in case they jinxed the results.