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NORFOLK, VA—Gathering their children for what they described as a difficult but important discussion that every family like theirs must have, local white conservative parents Brian and Marie Fortner sat their son and daughter down for a tough conversation about seeing a Black character in a movie. “One day you might be watching something you think is an innocent, family-friendly movie, and then suddenly you’ll see a princess or a brave hero whose skin is not the same color as yours,” said Brian Fortner, explaining to the couple’s 10- and 13-year-old children that he wished he didn’t have to have this conversation with them at such a young age. “America is a complicated place, and unfortunately, this is something that happens in our country on a regular basis. Though Black people are usually still relegated to supporting roles, sometimes they are given parts that could just have easily been given to a white person. It’s awful, but it happens. And while we’ll do everything we can to protect you, we need you to be prepared for that moment when a Black man appears on the screen and he isn’t just there for comic relief.” When the talk was over, the conservative parents reportedly decided their children were not yet ready to learn that the Jewish-controlled media was part of a widespread conspiracy to replace white Christians with people of color and bring about the extinction of the white race.
BRYAN, TX—As soon as she reported Tuesday to the federal prison camp where she is to be incarcerated, former biotech entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes is said to have immediately defrauded the biggest, toughest inmate she could find in an effort to gain the respect of her fellow prisoners. “You’re getting in on the ground floor of a venture that will revolutionize the prison industry,” Holmes said as she walked up to the facility’s most feared convict and swindled her out of all her money, reportedly hoping to send a clear message that she was “nobody’s bitch.” “This is a groundbreaking technology that will change the world while paying huge dividends on your initial investment of 30 packs of cigarettes. And if you give me just a small cut of your prison wages every week, I’ll make sure you’re drinking the finest hooch by the time we take the company public.” At press time, inmates were seen scattering in every direction after Elizabeth Holmes and her gang entered the prison yard armed with spreadsheets and asking who wanted to go all-in on a new venture.
As LGBTQ+ rights continue to be eroded across the country, many transgender students have found themselves forbidden from attending their own high school proms. The Onion asked parents to explain why they support banning trans kids from school dances, and this is what they said.
After threatening boycotts of companies and violence against retail workers, conservatives explain why they’re so triggered by products celebrating Pride Month.
Elon Musk recently promoted a Twitter thread by journalist Matt Taibbi, which detailed internal company documents showing that the social media site blocked tweets publicizing a news story on Hunter Biden’s laptop. Here’s what The Onion discovered about Elon Musk’s “Twitter Files.”
Just because correspondence is “confidential” doesn’t mean there’s anything interesting about it.
Everyone knows Twitter’s over.
It’s odd that Musk and Matt Taibbi chose to focus on some racy photos of Hunter rather than all the evidence of the Bidens’ corruption involving Burisma, but maybe that’s what the next thread will be about.
Perhaps the only interesting tidbit to stem from this “investigation.”
Emails show that Twitter executives made a concerted effort to kill the story about Musk’s incredibly natural-looking hair plugs.
Though time consuming, Musk proved it possible.
Rather than sensationalizing the thread with three popcorn emojis, Musk was careful to only use two.
In lieu of solid evidence of wrongdoing, Twitter Files author Matt Taibbi debuted a delightful recipe for chicken pot pie sure to satiate those ravenous for scandal.
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