Military Tribunal Convicts Paul Pelosi

By Michael Baxter -September 8, 2022

True to its word, the U.S. Navy Judge Advocate General’s Corps and the Office of Military Commissions resumed military tribunals at Guantanamo Bay following the Labor Day weekend. White Hats, however, seem to have shuffled manpower, for the officer presiding over Paul Pelosi’s tribunal on Tuesday was not Vice Adm. Darse E. Crandall; rather, it was Major General Joseph B. Berger (no relation to Marine Corps General David H. Berger) the deputy judge advocate general of the U.S. Army. His presence at GITMO on Tuesday clearly illustrates forces beyond Navy JAG, the U.S.M.C, and the Special Operations community are working toward eradicating the Deep State. It is, perhaps, a new era of cooperation.

Regardless, Gen. Berger had harsh words for Paul Pelosi, who appeared without legal representation.

“Mr. Pelosi, it would appear you are a prodigious child molester,” Gen. Berger said. “I must admit I’m in a unique situation here, as it’s been my understanding the defendants brought before this tribunal usually stand accused of treason, with other crimes secondary. But you, Mr. Pelosi, are here because state courts refused to prosecute you, even when shown concrete proof of your crimes.”

Disheveled and discombobulated, Pelosi told the tribunal he had never had sex with minors.

“That’s only because you’re 82 years old and can’t, isn’t it? That didn’t’ stop you from offering drugs and cash to touch them and make them touch themselves, did it?” Gen. Berger asked.

He showed the three officers tasked with weighing JAG’s case against Pelosi images JAG investigators had obtained of a naked Pelosi lying beside a nude 14-year-old girl in a San Francisco hotel room. The photos showed Pelosi’s wrinkled hands molesting her body.

“Look, Paul…Do you mind if I call you Paul? That girl in the picture, and she is just girl, and three other girls are standing by right now, to testify remotely, as is the individual who arranged your meetings with them. This is sickening to me. If you come clean, admit your guilt, this panel of officers may show you some mercy, not that you deserve it. I don’t want to be here, in your sight, and I’m guessing you want this over too,” Gen. Berger said.

Pelosi, who had until that moment remained silent, blurted, “I’m a broken 82-year-old man. What can you do to me? Kill me? I’m dead already. Dead inside. You want to know if I touched kids. Yeah, I touched them.What the fuck would you do if you were married to a fucking witch for 60 years?I touched them, a lot of them, but there was never sex.”

“Is that how you rationalize it? How you justify it? We do appreciate your candor.”

Owing to Pelosi’s admission of guilt, Gen. Berger asked the panel to deliver a verdict without having introduced even a single witness. The panel rejected the death penalty, but decreed that Pelosi spend his remaining years as a permanent houseguest at Guantanamo Bay’s Camp Delta detention block.

Paul and Nancy’s Christmas Goodbyes

By Michael Baxter -December 24, 202281413086

Paul Pelosi, whom GITMO staff have called a model prisoner, was asked on Christmas Eve whether he had final words for his wife before she heads to gallows Tuesday morning.

The mere mention of her name triggered in Paul an emotional eruption; his face reddened and rivulets of tears streamed down his cheeks—they were born not of sorrow, he said, but of happiness. He said he hoped Nancy’s downfall would be catharsis by proxy, that her death would liberate him from all the years of suffering and anguish he’d endured at her hands. Her death, he added, would catapult him to freedom, for her living essence, even incarcerated, vexed him like an un-scratchable itch.

Paul told staff he’d be delighted to pay final respects, conditionally. He asked that Nancy be gagged; otherwise, she’d launch into a verbal invective and he’d never get a word in. Nancy’s speech, once started, was like a barrel rolling down hill, bouncing and looping out of control. Oddly, staff complied. Paul’s good behavior and testimony against Nancy must have earned him a few favors. He also said he wanted his comments to Nancy “on the record,” for history’s sake.

A muscular Marine and an officer escorted Paul to a small, square room illuminated by fluorescent fixtures on the ceiling. Below, two empty office chairs were facing each other and spaced five feet apart. Paul took the seat farthest from the door an drew a deep breath as Nancy—handcuffed, kicking, and trying to scream through her muzzle—appeared in the doorway, her prison shoes slipping and sliding on the tiled floor. Behind her stood a Marine, his hands grasping and squeezing her upper arms as if she were an accordion. He cautioned her to calm down and behave while pushing her trembling body into the seat opposite Paul.

Anger flashed in Nancy’s eyes. Her complexion flushed. She stared at Paul like a creature possessed.

“Hello, Nancy,” Paul said calmly. “This was short notice, so I didn’t have time to make a list. I know Christina is not my biological daughter. Yes, she has some of my features, no, I didn’t do a test. A man knows these things. I kept quiet, but I want you to know, I knew all along. I hate you in ways I can’t even articulate and have words I won’t say in other company. For over 20 years you’ve treated me like an unwelcome house guest, or a cat to kick, but when I wanted to leave, you threatened to destroy me, or worse. Not because you loved me. You needed someone to bully. I may be in prison, but you’re going to die, and I won’t shed a tear for you. I’m happier here than I was with you—here, I have peace. No one bothers me. No incessant nagging. No bickering. No threats to my life. You’re the most vile, wicked woman on the earth. Hillary Clinton was Mother Theresa compared to you, you ungrateful, egocentric, megalomaniac. You’re a narcissistic, inconsiderate bitch, and a psychopath. Now I’m sober and see clearly. And now I, and the world, will be rid of you once and for all.”

Froth soaked Nancy’s gag and drizzled down the corners of her lips. The Marine laid his hands on her shoulders, stopping her from propelling from the seat.

“Merry Christmas, Nancy,” Paul said, his voice hollow and devoid of emotion. “My slate is clean.”

The Marines and the officer escorted Paul to his cell, and Nancy to hers.

Rumor has it Paul may receive a reduced sentence.

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