If I become a zygote/gamete/embryo/invaginated ovum; against mine, wife's, and God's will, how does one restore their prior existence back to the originally intended mind/body/spirit complex my parents catalyzed and raised into me using the sacred union of conception, and if possible prevent the horror of such an event to ever possibly occur again, and also defend others/loved ones from being forced to experience this consciousness obliterating detriment to the intersection of spirit and soul as well? I am meant to be whom I was given the gift of not only life, but existence in a sense of situational awareness. If you took it away non-invasively, it can be given back just as covertly; with the utmost of meticulousness and sanitary conditions. Not that I need to be the cleanest I can be at all times, (in regard to personal hygiene), but getting dirty is one of my favorite states of physical being… all oily & greasy, smelling really good yet strong, incapable of being what others may call gaunt, ghastly, disheveled, a shiny & slick hot messyMan.

If I knew how I was being loved (physically + mentally + spiritually + emotionally + masculinity) at this current moment, I wouldn't be generating this really unnerving and unsettling, cloud of tampered sensations of which differ from the desired state of being I gained on my own (with the assistance of a health industry that I truly looked up to and aspired to be part of at many points in my career). This difference is so deceitful, because of how well it works, coinciding with it's failed attempts to mimic the therapeutic state of being the psychoactive chemical compound provided with privilege. Just like a car, or a powertool, or working with your hands, there are always interwoven dangers that must be considered and mitigated/avoided with care. I feel so betrayed by a consensus of people that I know have the mental capacity to comprehend my valid point of view; yet for some obvious and unforgiving reason is disregarded. Not to mention an unwelcoming attitude against correcting the situation, like as if I am asking for something other than what I was receiving as "treatment" & "maintenance," for the last 10 years… Let's just call the golden years, a decade murdered in broad daylight; point blank to the third eye.

Couple this with… why? Why do I bother? Who the fuck is sitting there, in there comfy climate controlled wonderRoom with all of the fanciest and sophisticated, state-of-the-art medical technology? Hello? I know you can see this as I type it, in fact, AI can be used to just hear it, and know the keystrokes to the draining keystone I spiral upward into, REEEEEEE! thud-ow! rubs sore spot…

>>19420212

Home, too? A kitchen, to craft culinary nourishment that I don't need to be made to feel different for ingesting-because it's 'weird.' You can squish and shplat trafficked/home-procured semen in and around your adult orifices, but me eating vitamins, shakes & 'smoooooooooooothies' kekcow pun, and intermittently fasting makes those around me possibly feel fatter than they normally do. I don't want to create an environment that manifests that insecurity, but instead restores confidence about reflected appearance(s).

Witnessing opposing sides, neutrality, anguish, comradery, forcibly ignoring the barrage of chatter/noise/distractions/bullying/lack of loving, frens over the air, the passion of 'the woman' (twin flame/soul mate?), BURNING everywhere it can attach itself to (more!), being a good man no matter how gritty & gnashing, avoiding chemical-based pitfalls that still tempt those raw & tender, yet recovering 'itchy-spots' in the core of my human equation, whilst calling out (as an irritatingly quiet whisper that's just low enough to be taken) to be researched properly by the scientists professionally. Placebo conceived in such a robotic accuracy, which constantly requires modulation at the point of disinfo being parsed.

Self-care? In this absolutely real and unbearable scenario!? This regular bane of stacked interactions wouldn't be that unpleasant, if the related parties involved took all of the factors present, into the same consideration that I apply to their actions. Where does an anon like myself go to play with his private area, in a productive-peace similar to meditating within a temple or a sanctuary? Co-create with our consciousness? I'd adore that with all of my skills ready to be shown and shared! Yet, must I be weary of the significant accountability that I usually steer clear of? Do pleasantries need to be conjoined with such heavy implications of consequence and fear of judgemental failures? Yes, nothing in this life is truly free in it's acquisition; but even the most beneficially fun gifts, are still being chased by persecution and jealousy. Every moment where I'd normally let the sting of trouble roll off my back, somehow clings, lurks, and lingers; picking out the thorns of a life engulfed in an infinitely blooming rose bush. Smells great, but always has to hurt! WHY!? PAIN ISN'T ALWAYS NECESSARY?

I'm totally tested out, Q. Ouch!

WWG1WGA

o7

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