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Zelensky Passes Around Offering Plate During U.N. Speech
Sep 19, 2023
NEW YORK, NY — In an effort to raise more funds to support Ukraine's war efforts against Russia, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky had ushers pass around an offering plate during his speech to the United Nations General Assembly.
"Please give as you feel led in your hearts," Zelensky said to the delegates as soft music began to play. "It is only through the generosity of people like you that we can continue to simultaneously carry out violent military strikes against the evil Russian invaders and keep making progress in our work to launder massive amounts of money for different corrupt regimes around the world."
Zelensky has been the target of increased criticism as reports of heavy Ukrainian casualties have circulated, despite Ukraine launching a massive counteroffensive against Russian forces. Public support among the American people for funding the war has begun to wane, with a movement growing in the U.S. Congress to discontinue sending taxpayer dollars overseas to help Ukraine. "Your contributions are so critical," Zelensky said. "Every taxpayer dollar you send to us helps us spread misinformation and corruption around the world. Thank you for following your hearts and giving to our very worthy cause."
The delegates of the United Nations eagerly filled the offering plate as it was passed around, providing Zelensky with the money he needed to keep the Ukrainian government operating and furnish all government buildings with PlayStation 5 consoles.
At publishing time, Zelensky had been unsatisfied with the amount and demanded all plates be passed around again.
https://babylonbee.com/news/zelensky-passes-around-offering-plate-during-un-speech
Zelensky Upset To Hear One Of His Jets Ruined
NEW YORK, NY — As Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky arrived in the U.S. to petition the U.N. for additional funds for the ongoing war with Russia, he was angered to learn one of his F-35s had been carelessly ruined by the American military.
"I mean…what gives, you guys?" Zelensky asked American military leaders. "That was one of your - I mean my - best planes! You owe me 80 million dollars now. Pay up, and add an additional 33 trillion for the inconvenience. For the war, you know?"
The jet was abandoned over the southern part of the U.S. Monday after the pilot detected an issue with the transponder. Zelensky reminded the U.S. government he had graciously allowed the Marines to use his plane only on condition that they not crash it into the ground.
"We're deeply sorry to have offended President Zelensky…we're doing everything in our power to smooth things over with our Commander in Chief, who is um…President Biden…of course. Not Zelensky," General Eric Smith, the acting commandant of the Marine Corps, told reporters. "We deeply apologize to our dear leader…um…President Biden…yes…and ask him to please forgive our incompetence."
The Ukrainian leader said he'd accept the apology in the form of many suitcases of unmarked U.S. currency delivered directly to his residence in Kyiv.
https://babylonbee.com/news/zelensky-upset-to-hear-one-of-his-jets-ruined
Lauren Boebert Attempts To Smooth Things Over With New Line Of Purity Rings
RIFLE, CO — In an attempt to appease evangelical voters who were disgusted by her display of promiscuity at Buell Theater in downtown Denver, U.S. Congresswoman Lauren Boebert has announced a brand new line of purity rings.
"Celibacy is near and dear to my heart," said Boebert. "I just want to inspire a new generation of American youth to celebrate celibacy in style — and vote Republican while they're at it."
Voters in Colorado's third district, which Boebert serves as representative, remain divided on whether they're more upset by the highly publicized behavior that got their congressional representative thrown out of Beetlejuice: The Musical or the fact that Beetlejuice: The Musical exists.
"And it's popular?" asked local voter Edward Spiers. "Who's watching this thing?"
At a public town hall, Boebert once again apologized to her constituents for her behavior before pivoting to selling her new rings. "And I'm not only the designer, I'm also a proud customer!" Boebert told voters as she slipped the stylish ring on. "I hereby pledge to save myself for true love and marriage."
According to sources, Boebert then leaned over to an aide and whispered, "Is that what I was supposed to say?"
The purity ring collection, calledPurity by Lauren, comes in 14k gold and is a Hobby Lobby exclusive.
https://babylonbee.com/news/lauren-boebert-attempts-to-smooth-things-over-with-new-line-of-purity-rings
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Beer Company Reminds You To Buy As Much Beer As Possible And Also Drink Responsibly
ST. LOUIS, MO — Local consumers were caught in a familiar but confusing position this week after television advertisements from a popular beer manufacturer urged viewers to "drink responsibly" while simultaneously prompting them to purchase as much beer as possible.
"We want everyone to enjoy our beer, but not more than they legally should," said Anheuser-Busch marketing executive Tim Longobardo. "Everyone should buy cases and cases of beer, fill their homes with it, have it handy for all occasions, enjoy it at all times of the day, but please, whatever you do, drink responsibly."
Consumers were unsure how to respond to the seemingly incongruous messaging of the advertising. "Let me get this straight," said beer enthusiast Clifford Martin. "I'm supposed to imbibe as much beer as I possibly can while simultaneously not drinking so much that I end up sprinting down the middle of the freeway in my underwear? That's a fine line. Some more explanation may be necessary here."
The beer maker was sympathetic to the customer's request. "We understand that this seems like mixed messaging," Longobardo said. "What we really want is for our product to be in the hands of the public at all times and be the beverage they choose to hydrate themselves with rather than water, but we also want them to bear all of the responsibility for making sure they don't become fall-down plastered in the process. So drink a lot. But do it responsibly. Be responsibly impaired."
At publishing time, Clifford Martin was last seen downing his twelfth beer before lunch after making sure he chained himself to his front porch to avoid running out into oncoming traffic.
https://babylonbee.com/news/beer-company-reminds-you-to-buy-as-much-beer-as-possible-and-also-drink-responsibly
Bad Luck: Military Announces Lost F-35 Was Carrying Epstein Client List
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.
"This is truly unfortunate," said Department of Defense spokesman John Kirby. "The client list that once belonged to the late Mr. Epstein was being transported to an undisclosed location for analysis to prepare to use it as evidence to deliver justice for Epstein's victims. Tragically, with the plane going missing, it is unlikely we will ever see the list again. Such a peculiar happenstance, really."
Media outlets and the public at large have been calling for the release of Eptsein's client list for years but will now be left to speculate as to its contents. "Such an awful coincidence," said conspiracy theorist Ryan Felix. "It just so happens that the very plane that is carrying the client list disappears? Yeah, sure. Right. Funny how that happens, huh?"
At publishing time, reports had begun to circulate that, in addition to the Epstein client list, the missing F-35 jet just so happened to also be carrying the Nashville shooter's manifesto, Barack Obama's original birth certificate, conclusive proof of the identity of the Jan 6 pipe bomber, and all known documentation and evidence of Joe and Hunter Biden's dealings with the Ukrainian and Chinese governments.
https://babylonbee.com/news/bad-luck-military-announces-lost-f-35-was-carrying-epstein-client-list
DC Enquirer
@DCEnquirer
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