That’s sad and I totally understand the way it is you seem to be, as much that can be construed through a posting on an image board.
It’s tough coming off of so much hope and positive attitude to continually get hit with setbacks or not so good news. Be the internal optimist that you are and focus on family, friends and loved ones, forget the bullshit and things will flow positively.
That’s what this Anon has tried and what developed was patience and anticipation, inquisitiveness and understanding.
You could always take a step back from it all and re-evaluate. Good luck! Good vibes!