WANTED: Professional Cat Trainer
I don’t ask for a lot. In fact, I’m pretty easy going when it comes to (most) animals. I’m having an issue with my cats right now. They don't know how to cat. They are broken. Or retarded, Im not sure which.
Recently, my cats told me they wanted to contribute to Thanksgiving Dinner. I said, “ GREAT, something in the fowl, swine, bovine or cervidae family would be awesome. Whatever you can contribute would be welcome.”
Apparently, they took me literally.
While one is a fat lazy fuck, always looking for her next meal, napping in the sun or constantly underfoot or vocalizing for a cat treat, the other female feline is an avid hunter and brings back all kinds of goodies. She’s especially proficient at garden snakes, much to my chagrin. I couldn’t wait to see what they would surprise me with for the main meal. The anticipation was building as the fateful day drew closer.
This morning, I awoke at 430 am to the sound of two loud meowing cats, dancing and prancing in the kitchen. The hunt was successful. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, with a cat on each side, was a teeny tiny baby rodent. Of the mouse variety. Well, that won’t feed many people, I thought, but I kept my comments to myself so as not to offend said shelines. Both cats immediately came over and began rubbing up against my legs, “Look what I brought, look what I brought!” (when we all KNOW only one brought it). Uninjured and in full fight/flight mode, the rodent took the opportunity to make a dash for it. Heading to the laundry room, the rodent made a beeline for a hiding place, any hiding place. Both cats hot on its tail.
After several unsuccessful moments of skittering, meowing, squeaking and upending of buckets and broom handles, the Hunter sheline successfully emerged with said rodent firmly in its grip. She brought it straight to me for my consumption and an overt amount of praise and petting. However, at the last possible moment, said Hunter Sheline, being the Bidan voter (always looking for a handout), decided that Catch and Release was the better route on this Thanksgiving Day. Whereupon said Sheline dropped the still-uninjured/unharmed rodent which promptly ran under the dryer. Where it continues to dwell.
The shelines? Oh, they quickly gave up and went to the food for breakfast. And are napping now, exhausted from all the excitement. The rodent? Still safely tucked under the dryer, probably planning an ill-timed exit once the family is all gathered. Should be an eventful next couple of hours.
<Heavy sigh>
Happy Thanksgiving. Y’all.