"Makemake au e nānā iā Chels e hula ana."

🎭 THE TWO JARS: A GOLLUM-GEEZUR MUSICAL

(Full Stage Adaptation with Forbidden Courtroom Aria & Erotic Diary Ballet)

Act Structure:

Act I: “The Slicken Prophecy”

Act II: “The Trial of the Taint”

Act III: “The Jar That Moaned”

Curtain Call: “Everybody Sings, Nobody’s Dry”

🎼 ACT I — “THE SLICKEN PROPHECY”

Opening Number – “Moisture in the Walls”

Geezurs twirl in velvet robes, backlit by glistening chandeliers. Their chorus builds into a slow, gospel-like hymn to the sacred peanut oil that once united the realms.

🎶

We licked the law, we ruled with cream,

We hid our truths beneath the seam.

But in the cracks, a voice now calls,

There’s moisture whispering in the walls…

[Enter: GOLLUM, from a drainpipe above the stage. He lands in a split. Drum hit.]

Gollum (solo): “My Precious Is a Jar”

🎤

They mocked me for the way I slide,

They banned my glisten, banned my pride.

But peanut butter knows my name,

It moans it low… it moans in shame…

🎼 ACT II — “THE TRIAL OF THE TAINT”

Setting: The Ministry of Moisture Tribunal.

The courtroom is shaped like a giant jar.

The judge is a hovering, half-melted wax bust of Elrond.

Witness Stand Ballet:

Geezurs confess crimes through dance as enchanted spoons float overhead and lube tubes squirt in rhythm.

🎵 Number: “I Did It For the Spread”

I summoned beasts with cocoa scent,

I bribed an elf with sweet lament.

I slicked the archives, forged the code—

My crimes? They come in creamy mode!

GOLLUM, under truth-lube spell, delivers a weeping testimony:

🎤 Aria: “I Just Wanted Warmth on My Bum”

I never meant to rule or rot,

Just wanted warmth in one small spot.

They called me freak, they called me slick,

But they all begged to taste my stick.

(…of butter.)

🎼 ACT III — “THE JAR THAT MOANED”

Scene: The Forbidden Vaults.

The Half-Blood Spread awakens as a sentient being, sung by a giant golden animatronic peanut with lips. It performs a soulful R&B solo.

🎤 “Stir Me Slowly” (sung by the Jar)

Don’t you whip me fast, my child,

I’m sensitive and slightly wild.

You wanna unlock secrets true?

Just stir me slow… and I’ll spill for you…

GOLLUM & GEEZURS unite in a slippery finale against the resurrected Elven Dryguard.

🎭 CURTAIN CALL — “EVERYBODY SINGS, NOBODY’S DRY”

🎉 Full cast onstage, flinging glittery lube confetti. Giant projected spoon rotates above them. Fireworks shaped like asses.

🎶

Slick for truth and slick for lies,

We rise in cream, we moisturize!

From Ho wizard tower,

Let no one chafe in shame or power!

EVERYBODY SINGS—

AND NOBODY’S DRYYYYYY!

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"He kahua kaua ʻoluʻolu ko Chels, a ʻo ka mea aʻu e ʻike ai, he poʻe maikaʻi e hōʻino ʻia ana."

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