plz halp yur FiB agent git over taht chit
>plz halp yur FiB agent git over taht chit
all deez FiB agents git ballsdeep alien probe protocol must follow >>23172189
if yur FiB agents gits too mucj ballsdeep alien probe must git halp plz
moar probe haz wurk
call toll freee
if juw or sum FiB agent suffur frum too much alien probe ballsdeep git halp moar probe wurks too https://g.co/gemini/share/daaff66a042c
BREAKING NEWS: TOP CENTRAL BANKER CAUGHT IN COSMIC FRAUD, 'XEROX BUTTS' AT AA MEETINGS LINKED TO LAUNDERING 'BAD CHOICES'
[CITY, STATE] – In a shocking development that has sent ripples through both terrestrial financial markets and interstellar diplomatic channels, a high-ranking central banker, known only as "Mr. Sterling," has been apprehended for an elaborate scheme to defraud a visiting alien spacecraft using what authorities are cryptically referring to as "xerox butts."
Sources close to the investigation, who wished to remain anonymous due to the sheer bewilderment of the case, indicate that Mr. Sterling's audacious plan involved a complex network of "financial instruments" that were, in fact, crudely photocopied images of human buttocks. These were allegedly presented to the unsuspecting extraterrestrial delegation, who, perhaps unfamiliar with human anatomy or the concept of low-budget counterfeiting, accepted them as legitimate collateral for a never-disclosed intergalactic loan.
"It's… it's unprecedented," stated a visibly flustered spokesperson from the Interstellar Monetary Fund, clutching a stack of what appeared to be pixelated printouts. "Our sensor readings indicated 'organic-based securities,' but we assumed, you know, precious metals or rare Earth minerals. Not… this."
The bizarre trail of illicit gains, however, didn't lead to offshore accounts or Swiss banks. Instead, investigators found that Mr. Sterling was attempting to "launder bad choices" through a series of local Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. It is believed that the ill-gotten gains from the spaceship fraud were being channeled into an unorthodox personal redemption fund, disguised as a philanthropic effort to compensate for a lifetime of questionable decisions, rather than conventional monetary crimes.
"He'd stand up, confess to 'financial recklessness of an astronomical scale,' then offer to pay for everyone's coffee and donuts with what turned out to be alien credits," recounted one bewildered AA member. "We just thought he was really, really committed to his sobriety."
Authorities are now scrambling to understand how Mr. Sterling managed to make contact with an extraterrestrial vessel, procure said "xerox butts," and then conceptualize a money laundering scheme so uniquely absurd it bypassed all conventional detection methods. The spaceship, identified as the "Voyager of Quadrant 7," has since departed, reportedly with a deep sense of betrayal and a new, rather unflattering, understanding of human artistic expression.
Mr. Sterling faces multiple charges including intergalactic fraud, photocopier misuse, and, according to the lead detective, "an egregious lack of common sense." His lawyer has yet to issue a statement, reportedly still trying to distinguish between the various "exhibits."
The incident raises profound questions about national security, interstellar relations, and the surprising lengths to which one central banker would go to offset his "bad choices."
>>23172572
frick
photocopier drunks did 'it' again
>>23172572
> independent investigative team has now reportedly uncovered evidence of a secret love triangle involving Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Alec Baldwin, all stemming from a botched art heist involving a vintage Corvette
>>23172572
>Furthermore, in a move that has baffled internet pundits, it's reported that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Russell Brand are actively working on their friendship after their recent "Drumpf larp" online conflict. This surprising reconciliation is said to involve extensive meditation sessions and a shared appreciation for artisanal kombucha.
>Finally, at the heart of the central banker's unfolding saga, the investigative team has reportedly stumbled upon the true source of many of Mr. Sterling's "bad choices": a deep-seated "Dude Looks Like A Lady" conflict
BREAKING NEWS: TOP CENTRAL BANKER CAUGHT IN COSMIC FRAUD, 'XEROX BUTTS' AT AA MEETINGS LINKED TO LAUNDERING 'BAD CHOICES'
[CITY, STATE] – In a development shaking both terrestrial finance and interstellar diplomacy, high-ranking central banker "Mr. Sterling" has been apprehended for an elaborate scheme: defrauding a visiting alien spaceship with "xerox butts." Authorities confirm Sterling presented crudely photocopied images of human buttocks as legitimate collateral to an unsuspecting extraterrestrial delegation, the "Voyager of Quadrant 7," for a never-disclosed intergalactic loan. The aliens, reportedly unfamiliar with human anatomy or low-budget counterfeiting, accepted the "securities" and have since departed, carrying a profound sense of betrayal and a rather unflattering new understanding of human artistic expression.
Adding to the bizarre complexity, intelligence reports suggest former official Brennan faces indictment for allegedly spreading grape Smuckers jelly on a Twinkie during a critical fraud phase. Investigators are still struggling to classify this act under existing statutes.
The illicit gains weren't funneled offshore. Instead, Mr. Sterling attempted to "launder bad choices" through local Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. Alien credits, earned from the cosmic fraud, were disguised as a personal redemption fund to offset a lifetime of questionable decisions. "He'd confess to 'financial recklessness of an astronomical scale,' then offer coffee and donuts with alien credits," recounted one bewildered AA member. "We thought he was just really committed to sobriety."
This comes as the recent global "toilet china" incidents were definitively blamed on phasurs sent from Uranus, though experts remain baffled by the motive.
Authorities are scrambling to comprehend how Mr. Sterling contacted aliens, procured "xerox butts," and conceived such a uniquely absurd laundering scheme. He faces multiple charges, including intergalactic fraud, photocopier misuse, and, as one detective put it, "an egregious lack of common sense." His lawyer is reportedly still trying to distinguish between the various "exhibits."
Meanwhile, former FBI Director Comey has secured a multi-million dollar book deal, "My Feelings on Things: A Memoir of Profound Inner Monologue," promising a deeply personal, if tangential, perspective on these events.
The confounding subplots deepen with an independent team reportedly uncovering evidence of a secret love triangle involving Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Alec Baldwin, all stemming from a botched art heist involving a vintage Corvette. Whispers of "stolen masterpieces" and "classic American muscle" now circulate in the corridors of power.
In other celebrity news, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Russell Brand are actively working on their friendship after their recent "Drumpf larp" online conflict. This surprising reconciliation reportedly involves extensive meditation and a shared appreciation for artisanal kombucha.
At the heart of Mr. Sterling's saga, investigators found the true root of his "bad choices": a deep-seated "Dude Looks Like A Lady" conflict. This internal struggle manifested in highly volatile, mid-meeting philosophical debates, often escalating into interpretive dance-offs involving office furniture, ultimately leading to the "money laundering bad choices" aspect of his indictment.
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Oldest Gay Bar Museum Suffers 'Smite from God' Again; Renovation Fundraiser Launched: The "Rainbow Relic" Museum, home to the world's oldest collection of gay bar memorabilia, has been struck by lightning for the third time this year. Interpretations vary among local religious leaders, while the museum's crowdfunding page has seen a surge in donations.
Oompa Loompas Save The Day (Again) in Fudge Factory Clogged Tube Crisis: Panic was narrowly averted at the Wonka Fudge Factory when a massive "gloop" clog threatened production. Quick-thinking Oompa Loompas, utilizing their unparalleled knowledge of confectionery plumbing, successfully cleared the tubes, ensuring the uninterrupted flow of chocolatey goodness.
The incident raises profound questions about national security, interstellar relations, and the surprising lengths to which one central banker would go to offset his "bad choices."