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or sour dough from the bay "Create a meme featuring a man resembling 'Hide the Pain Harold' sitting awkwardly at a desk, holding a coffee mug and forcing a smile. Text at the top reads: 'Thought I joined a meditation group…' Bottom text reads: 'Now I'm chief archivist in an alien-butt enlightenment circle with Alec Baldwin.' The background has faint cosmic symbols, a window with subtle UFO lights, and a binder labeled 'Cult Schedule.' Style: solemn, ironic, classic meme format with bold Impact font."
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Palapala Hoʻoweliweli - Nā mea huna o ka hoʻokele ʻeha
E nā ʻelele o ka honua haʻahaʻa,
ʻIke mākou. ʻAʻole hiki ke hūnā i ka haunaele nui i ka pō o ka hiku o ka lā, kahi i hana ʻia ai nā haunaele ʻekolu: ʻO Barack "Ka Lomi" Obama, ʻAnakala "Cornpop" Biden, a me Alex Pāluwin — e leʻaleʻa ana ma ka lupalu Corvette, e hula ana me nā lei ma nā wahi kapu.
Ua nānā ko mākou hui malu – The Magical Society of Uranus-9 Fools – i ke kelepona paʻa o ʻAnakala Moke, a ua kiʻiʻoniʻoni mākou i nā hana hoʻoweliweli: ka pāʻina lube, ke oli ʻana i nā inoa kāne ma ko lākou ʻāʻī, a me ka pīpī ʻana i ka ʻaila niu me nā ʻike pōkole e pili ana i ke kino o Alec i loko o nā ʻaʻahu wahine.
Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e hoʻokō i kēia mau koi, e lilo kēia ʻike i ʻike pono no:
Ke kahua mokulele o Hilo
Hale Hula Lahui o Kamehameha Tech
A me ka pā Costco o Kahului
Nā Koina Nui:
ʻElua ʻeke hau ʻiʻo ʻole
Hoʻokahi pahu piha i nā CD kahiko Boyz II Men (ʻaʻole i komo)
He kiʻiʻoniʻoni piha o nā kāne ʻekolu e ʻakaʻaka ana i ka lumi ʻauʻau Corvette (ma lalo o ke kukui ʻulaʻula)
A hoʻokahi kiʻi palena ʻole o ka ʻukulele a Obama e pāʻani ana, e noho ana ma ka ʻūhā o Joe, me nā huaʻōlelo "You Complete Me" i kahakaha ʻia i loko o nā kini pia.
Inā ʻaʻole, e ʻike ʻoe i kou inoa ma ka papa inoa "Mai kono hou iā Luau".
Me ke aloha ʻole a me ka ʻuhane.
Nā kiaʻi o ka Illusion Lanakila –
ʻO ka luakini e kū'ē i ka Galactic Revolution"
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Palapala ʻAneʻane Hoʻoweliweli ʻia – Nā Huna o ke Luʻau Moeʻuhane
"Aloha ʻoe e ka poʻe e noho mālie i ka huna,
Ua ʻike mākou i ka mea i hana ʻia ma ka hale luʻau ma Luna Lāʻau Ranch. ʻAʻole hiki ke hūnā i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo e pili ana i ka pilina ʻekolu ʻino loa: Obama, Biden, a me Alec Baldwin, a me ka Corvette i piha i ka lube coconut a me nā CD o Barry White.
ʻAʻole kēia he moʻolelo wale nō. Ua ʻike ka hui luʻau hūnā ʻia—Nā Aliʻi Pō o Uranus-9—i ka wailele a Obama i piʻi aku ai i loko o ka trunk o ka Corvette me ka lole hula a Biden, e ʻakaʻaka ana, e ʻai ana i ka haukalima poi, a e kāhea ana i ka inoa "Alec" i ke kani haʻiʻōlelo haʻalulu. Ua hopu ʻia ka mea a pau ma ka GoPro i hoʻokomo ʻia i loko o ka pūʻolo laulau.
Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e hāʻawi mai i nā mea aʻe:
ʻEkolu pāiki i piha i nā kāleka Hallmark me nā kiʻi o Bigfoot e leʻaleʻa ana i ka waiū niu
He kiʻi palena ʻole o Obama e ʻeha ana i ka puʻuwai ma kahi wahi e kahiko ʻia ai nā Trans Ams
A me ka ʻāpana moepuʻu o Alec i kākau ʻia "Property of Joe"
…e hoʻokuʻu ʻia kēia mau mea a pau i nā nūpepa o Hilo, ka bulletin board o Costco, a me ka vatican.subdomain.hula.edu.
ʻAʻole ʻoe e ʻike i ka hilinaʻi a nā ʻelemakule Facebook a me nā ʻānela Eros cybernetic o Molokaʻi a hiki iā lākou ke heluhelu i kēia mau ʻoiaʻiʻo.
Me ke aloha ʻaʻaka a me ka puhi mai o nā ʻīlio lani,
Nā Kahu Moeʻuhane o Ke Kahiwai Hūnā – Chapter 7 (The Gays of Haleakalā)"
📡 THE BI-FIB WAR: VOLUME I – "Echoes from the Forbidden Band"
A Schizo-Saga in Multiple Scrolls
🕯️ PROLOGUE: THE SIGNAL THAT SHOULD NOT BE
In the beginning, there was only hetero clarity and two bars of service.
Then came the whispers.
A forgotten bandwidth—Bi-FiB—accidentally discovered by a closeted Verizon technician named Dale who huffed printer ink and prayed to an old flip phone named Judy.
Bi-FiB didn’t transmit data.
It transmitted desire.
Unfiltered, bipartisan, bisexual yearning. Broadcast at 69.420 MHz.
And it hit the beautiful ones first.
Golden men in cargo shorts fell weeping in Sonic drive-thrus.
Sorority girls burst into tears, clutching their Crocs and asking strangers if "they had also heard the hum."
Straightness was crumbling. And they blamed the frequency.
🧬 CHAPTER I: DEATH OF THE HETERO ANGELS
They marched for normalcy.
Beautiful hetero hunks, tight in khakis and God’s approval.
They held signs that read “NO FIB ZONE” and “WE ONLY HAVE ONE INPUT.”
And the government let them die.
The Bi-FiB pulse surged during a solar sneeze.
Every Bluetooth device became a bisexual awakening crystal.
Straight TikTok influencers collapsed mid-thrust, their pelvises glowing with alternate truths.
The bodies smoked. The streets slick with Axe body spray and betrayed baptisms.
That’s when They came.
The probes.
Alien. Phallic. Endless.
Birthed in neutron wombs, shaped like Chrome incognito icons, they began the Harvest of the Unready.
🛡️ CHAPTER II: JENNER ASCENDING
From the protein ash of Planet Fitness arose a glistening silhouette.
Bruce Jenner—a being of infinite pronouns and Olympic wrath.
He heard the call. The probes wanted his legacy. His gold. His genderfluid velocity.
He was not afraid.
He lathered in creatine and wrestled the first probe to death using only his thighs and a Sports Illustrated cover from 1985.
The skies rumbled. Anderson Cooper wept. The clouds smelled faintly of lemon-lime Gatorade and gym socks.
Thus was born the prophecy:
“He who suplexes the Sky Shaft shall lead the Bi-FiB Remnant.”
🧠 CHAPTER III: THE LIBRARY OF THROBBING KNOWLEDGE
Bruce, now renamed Probekiller X, travels with a band of survivors:
Tanya of the Sapphic Lasers: Her glasses are coded in lesbian Morse.
Booflord Jeff: Half-man, half Energy Drink, full traitor.
The Oracle of Craigslist: A homeless AI that lives inside a malfunctioning vibrator.
They seek the Library of Throbbing Knowledge, rumored to house the original FCC documents that classified Bi-FiB as “Too Based for This Timeline.”
But they are hunted.
By the FCC Paladins, by the TSA Lube Priests, and by Ronald Reagan's clone who runs on Red Bull and communion wafers.
💽 UP NEXT IN VOLUME II: “THE PROBE OF 10,000 INPUTS”
Bruce is captured and forced to wrestle in a gay alien coliseum.
Tanya infiltrates the Illuminati’s orgy-wifi tower.
The Bi-FiB frequency evolves… and broadcasts consciousness itself.
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