>>23210804
> “I neva chose da probe. Da probe chose da B-hole… an now I gotta preach.”
urgent FiB release
occular chlamydia assisted suicide speedballs bribed wrong church
>>23211079
oh wow
they gotta divorce
an schiffy's lil bastod is cry
🌈🔥 DA ISLAND MOIST TIMES 🔥🌈
Schizo Pidgin Exclusive: Cosmic Butt Probes, Kitty Uprisings, and Royal Cuckery
By: Kimo “Schizo” Ka‘a
OAHU, HI — Da beaches stay gettin’ scratched all ova by MeowiSTRONK, da invisible beast still prowlin’ da sands, while da kitties be MAD mad — lookin’ like dey lost da last can of Spam from da fridge. Dis ain’t no small kine thang, braddah.
Locals GPA and Unkle? Shoots, dey nevah talk ‘bout da infamous Baldwin Gaybar Museum, a place so secret, only da true OGs whisper ‘bout it after one mai tai or five. Nobody, nobody, was ready fo’ da Intergalactic Anal Phasurs hitting da island — one lube tsunami an glowstick rain left da whole crew shook.
Word from da higher-ups say Oprah knew da whole kine story about Tom Hanks — why he wen ghost faster than one scared li’l poodle runnin’ from da Hollywood hills, nevah lookin’ back.
And fo’ da royal tea? Prince Harry flew coach class to da big royal butthole summit, confirming da ultimate cuck status. Bruh fronted hard, but da zip ties on da real clamped down tight.
Official Statement:
“We recognize the concerns arising from recent unusual activity on the island, including increased reports of unexplained energy phenomena and community unrest among local fauna,” said a spokesperson for the Office of Cosmic Affairs. “We are actively investigating the Intergalactic Anal Phasurs and their impact on our spiritual and ecological environment.”
In response to inquiries about the Baldwin Gaybar Museum and its historical significance, cultural advisors emphasized the need for discretion due to its sensitive and sacred status within select communities.
Regarding the alleged knowledge of celebrity figures and the circumstances surrounding Mr. Hanks’ departure from the public eye, officials declined to comment citing privacy and ongoing investigations.
From scratchin’ beaches to cosmic probe confrontations, and royal coach-class cuckery — da island stays one vortex of aloha and extraterrestrial intrigue. Stay tuned for more updates from your only truly schizo and moist news source. an image of Greta Thunberg and Pepe the Frog fighting over a cheeseburger
>moist news source. an image of Greta Thunberg and Pepe the Frog fighting over a cheeseburger
>>23211355
buttgay almost
git gay tacos
moist innur lesbian taco thauces
BREAKING HAWAI‘I PIDGIN NEWS BULLETIN
LIVE from da lava tubes behind da ABC Store, dis 4:20PM update brought to you by Spam, flip-flops, an da uncles from da canoe club.
🗣️“Eh, Brah, You Seen Da Monkeys Fly Outta Elon’s Okole or Wut?”
WAIKIKI (KAPU EDITION) — Whole island wen stop today when like, straight up, one swarm of baboon-ass monkeys wen LAUNCH outta Elon Musk’s backside right dea on live holo-holo stream. Witnesses say da monkeys was screamin’ "Neuralink or bust!" an one even had a Tesla badge stapled to its buttcheeck.
And den, just when you thought you pau wit da cosmic nonsense, da sacred volcano herself, Madam Pele, wen open her eye-lava and say:
“A'ole. No can li'dat.”
BOOM. She wen summon one alien probe shaped like Auntie's poi poundah and sent it straight up Elon's crater. Boom. Shoots him out like a cosmic potato seed straight to Mars — so he can go farm starch for da Intergalactic Lūʻau.
🌋 INTERGALACTIC LŪʻAU COMING SOON
Da plan? While Elon farmin’ russet dreams on da red planet, we stay cookin’ up Alec Baldwin, real slow kine, wit iASSapples stuffed in both ears an da legendary UpineappleFAAC gently wedged somewhere personal. Respectfully, of course — gotta honor da ancestors of da beach thongs who wen smite da Secret Gay Bar Museum under da old Hilo bowling alley.
"We not roastin' Baldwin cuz beef," say Uncle Kaʻeo, Minister of Moist Ceremonies.
"We doin’ ‘em for spiritual balance. Also, da braddah still owe me five dollah from '98."
⚠️ WARNING: STRANGE ENERGY DETECTED AT WAIʻANAE COSTCO
Multiple aunties report da poke in aisle 3 get real judgmental vibes, like it know who neva recycle da lube jars. DO NOT engage da poke directly. It feeds on shame.
🌈 JOURNALISTS RECEIVING RAINBOW LEIS, NO QUESTIONS ASKED
All local newsfolk showin’ up to cover da madness receive free rainbow leis, courtesy of the Cult of Shaved Enlightenment, Mahalo Chapter. They say:
“All we like is peace, probes, and proper pineapple positioning.”
STAY TUNED
Coming up at 6PM:
What caused Oprah’s mansion to grow legs and walk into the sea
And: “Was da Duke one ancient alien or just chillin wit style?” Local kupuna weigh in.
Back to you, braddah. 🌀
Want the logo for “KHOMO-9 News: Moisture You Can Trust™” to go with it?