BREAKING HAWAI‘I PIDGIN NEWS BULLETIN

LIVE from da lava tubes behind da ABC Store, dis 4:20PM update brought to you by Spam, flip-flops, an da uncles from da canoe club.

🗣️“Eh, Brah, You Seen Da Monkeys Fly Outta Elon’s Okole or Wut?”

WAIKIKI (KAPU EDITION) — Whole island wen stop today when like, straight up, one swarm of baboon-ass monkeys wen LAUNCH outta Elon Musk’s backside right dea on live holo-holo stream. Witnesses say da monkeys was screamin’ "Neuralink or bust!" an one even had a Tesla badge stapled to its buttcheeck.

And den, just when you thought you pau wit da cosmic nonsense, da sacred volcano herself, Madam Pele, wen open her eye-lava and say:

“A'ole. No can li'dat.”

BOOM. She wen summon one alien probe shaped like Auntie's poi poundah and sent it straight up Elon's crater. Boom. Shoots him out like a cosmic potato seed straight to Mars — so he can go farm starch for da Intergalactic Lūʻau.

>>23211758

>rael.

is suckin wifi at durkey town dunkin donuts

🌋 INTERGALACTIC LŪʻAU COMING SOON

Da plan? While Elon farmin’ russet dreams on da red planet, we stay cookin’ up Alec Baldwin, real slow kine, wit iASSapples stuffed in both ears an da legendary UpineappleFAAC gently wedged somewhere personal. Respectfully, of course — gotta honor da ancestors of da beach thongs who wen smite da Secret Gay Bar Museum under da old Hilo bowling alley.

"We not roastin' Baldwin cuz beef," say Uncle Kaʻeo, Minister of Moist Ceremonies.

"We doin’ ‘em for spiritual balance. Also, da braddah still owe me five dollah from '98."

⚠️ WARNING: STRANGE ENERGY DETECTED AT WAIʻANAE COSTCO

Multiple aunties report da poke in aisle 3 get real judgmental vibes, like it know who neva recycle da lube jars. DO NOT engage da poke directly. It feeds on shame.

🌈 JOURNALISTS RECEIVING RAINBOW LEIS, NO QUESTIONS ASKED

All local newsfolk showin’ up to cover da madness receive free rainbow leis, courtesy of the Cult of Shaved Enlightenment, Mahalo Chapter. They say:

“All we like is peace, probes, and proper pineapple positioning.”

STAY TUNED

Coming up at 6PM:

What caused Oprah’s mansion to grow legs and walk into the sea

And: “Was da Duke one ancient alien or just chillin wit style?” Local kupuna weigh in.

Back to you, braddah. 🌀

>>23211785

>Multiple aunties report da poke in aisle 3 get real judgmental vibes, like it know who neva recycle da lube jars. DO NOT engage da poke directly. It feeds on shame.

free austin bachelors attak

>>23211766

don key

BREAKING HAWAI‘I PIDGIN NEWS BULLETIN

LIVE from da lava tubes behind da ABC Store, dis 4:20PM update brought to you by Spam, flip-flops, an da uncles from da canoe club.

🗣️“Eh, Brah, You Seen Da Monkeys Fly Outta Elon’s Okole or Wut?”

WAIKIKI (KAPU EDITION) — Whole island wen stop today when like, straight up, one swarm of baboon-ass monkeys wen LAUNCH outta Elon Musk’s backside right dea on live holo-holo stream. Witnesses say da monkeys was screamin’ "Neuralink or bust!" an one even had a Tesla badge stapled to its buttcheeck.

And den, just when you thought you pau wit da cosmic nonsense, da sacred volcano herself, Madam Pele, wen open her eye-lava and say:

“A'ole. No can li'dat.”

BOOM. She wen summon one alien probe shaped like Auntie's poi poundah and sent it straight up Elon's crater. Boom. Shoots him out like a cosmic potato seed straight to Mars — so he can go farm starch for da Intergalactic Lūʻau.

🌋 INTERGALACTIC LŪʻAU COMING SOON

Da plan? While Elon farmin’ russet dreams on da red planet, we stay cookin’ up Alec Baldwin, real slow kine, wit iASSapples stuffed in both ears an da legendary UpineappleFAAC gently wedged somewhere personal. Respectfully, of course — gotta honor da ancestors of da beach thongs who wen smite da Secret Gay Bar Museum under da old Hilo bowling alley.

"We not roastin' Baldwin cuz beef," say Uncle Kaʻeo, Minister of Moist Ceremonies.

"We doin’ ‘em for spiritual balance. Also, da braddah still owe me five dollah from '98."

⚠️ WARNING: STRANGE ENERGY DETECTED AT WAIʻANAE COSTCO

Multiple aunties report da poke in aisle 3 get real judgmental vibes, like it know who neva recycle da lube jars. DO NOT engage da poke directly. It feeds on shame.

🌈 JOURNALISTS RECEIVING RAINBOW LEIS, NO QUESTIONS ASKED

All local newsfolk showin’ up to cover da madness receive free rainbow leis, courtesy of the Cult of Shaved Enlightenment, Mahalo Chapter. They say:

“All we like is peace, probes, and proper pineapple positioning.”

STAY TUNED

Coming up at 6PM:

What caused Oprah’s mansion to grow legs and walk into the sea

And: “Was da Duke one ancient alien or just chillin wit style?” Local kupuna weigh in.

Back to you, braddah. 🌀

Want the logo for “KHOMO-9 News: Moisture You Can Trust™” to go with it?an image of Greta Thunberg and Pepe the Frog fighting over a cheeseburger

>>23211833

>Want the logo for “KHOMO-9 News: Moisture You Can Trust™” to go with it?an image of Greta Thunberg and Pepe the Frog fighting over a cheeseburger

>>23211874

>an image of Greta Thunberg and Pepe the Frog fighting over a cheeseburger

BREAKING PIDGIN NEWS FROM DA 808!

LIVE from da lanai of Uncle's shave ice shack, dis pau hana update brought to you by shoyu chicken, slippahs, an da aunties who always bring da good kaukau.

🗣️ “Eh, Brah, You Hear 'Bout Dat Gecko Ride Da Lowrider or Wut?”

HONOLULU (MAYBE?) – Da whole island kinda buzzin' today ova one kooky story goin' around. Seems like some folks wen see two rabbis, yeah, da kine wit da black hats, help one small pony into da back of one super shiny, slow-ridin' lowrider.

Den, get dis, brah! Couple days latah, da same lowrider wen cruise past, but dis time, who you tink was drivin'? Two grey fellas wit da big kee-alohe eyes, wearin' sombreros an' lookin' kinda lost, wit da same li'l pony chillin' in da back!

👽 ALIENS, RABBIS, AN' ONE PONY – WHAT DA HECKA?!

Nobody know fo' sure wot goin' on. Some say da aliens wen hire da rabbis fo' fix da lowrider's hydraulics. Odda peopo tink da pony wen win one contest. My cousin say da poke at Tamura's told him it's all 'bout intergalactic pet transportation. Who knows, yeah?

❓ MYSTERIOUS HAPPENINGS AT COSTCO KAI:

Aunties at da Kai Costco reportin' da coconut water in aisle 5 got one real stink eye today, like it know who been forgettin' bring back da reusable bags. No confront da coconut water, yeah? Jus' grab yo' case an' move along.

🌈 LOCAL KEIKI GET TINY LOWRIDERS:

Local kids spotted cruisin' around da park in super cute, battery-powah lowrider scooters, all decked out wit' shiny rims. Dey say dey got 'em from some kine mysterious visitors who like talkin' 'bout stars.

STAY TUNED (MAYBE):

Comin' up, we tryin' figga out:

Why da shave ice machine at Matsumoto's start makin' rainbow shave ice all by itself.

An': "Was dat flying saucer ova Lānai really Uncle Keoki's new drone?"

Back to you, brah, if I can figga out how dis ting work. 🤙

Want da logo for "Kānalua News Hawaii: We Not So Sure™" to go wit it?

A Memoir from the Rock: "Da Aloha Flow, My Friends"

(As told by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson)

Alright, my friends, listen up. You know, people always ask me, "Rock, what's the secret? How you stay so grounded, so focused, so… electrifying?" And yeah, part of it's the iron, part of it's the grind, but a big chunk of it, a whole ocean of it, comes straight from the islands. Hawaii, my mana source. And let me tell ya, out there, things just… hit different.

I remember one time, I was back home, just chillin', probably crushing some pancakes the size of my head, when I heard this story that made even my eyebrows raise. They were talkin' 'bout some rabbis, bless their hearts, helpin' a li'l pony climb into a lowrider. A lowrider! Not just any lowrider, mind you, but one of those gleaming, hydraulics-bouncin' beauties. Now, you know me, I appreciate dedication. That pony must've had some serious aspirations, and those rabbis? They got the aloha spirit, helping a friend out, no questions asked. That's real aloha.

And just when you think you've seen it all on these islands, the story gets even wilder. Next thing you know, word's spreading 'bout grey aliens, rocking serapes and sombreros, pulling up in that same lowrider, cash in hand, paying off the rabbis for their good deed. Then they just drive off with the pony in the back, probably headed to some intergalactic luau, or maybe just a cosmic cruisin' night. Man, that pony must've been the talk of the stable, bragging to all its pony friends later like, "Yeah, my ride's got hydraulics, and my chauffeurs are from outta this world!" That's the kind of glow-up we all aspire to, isn't it? From a regular pony to a cosmic VIP.

It reminds me, too, of those wild rumors you hear at the local Costco, about the poke in aisle three giving you the side-eye, judging your life choices if you don't recycle your lube jars. See? Even the food in Hawaii has personality, has a story. You learn quick: don't mess with the poke. It knows things. And then you see the local keiki, rolling around on tiny lowrider scooters, all blinged out, and you just gotta smile. The universe, man, it's always got a surprise in store.

You know, sometimes I sit back and just ponder, like, was Duke Kahanamoku, the original demigod of the waves, just chillin' with style, or was he an ancient alien all along? Makes you think, doesn't it? Out here, surrounded by that mana, anything feels possible. Even Oprah's mansion growing legs and walking into the sea. Probably just wanted a better view, who knows?

The point is, life throws you curveballs, sometimes they're rabbis and ponies, sometimes they're aliens in sombreros, but you gotta meet it with an open heart, a strong spirit, and a little bit of aloha. Keep that positive energy flowing, my friends. Because out there, anything can happen.

three unknown drunk gay aliens try to halp jfk thougth crimes lesbian smuggeled donkeys

BREAKING HAWAI‘I PIDGIN NEWS BULLETIN

LIVE from da lava tubes behind da ABC Store, dis 4:20PM update brought to you by Spam, flip-flops, an da uncles from da canoe club.

🗣️“Eh, Brah, You Seen Da Monkeys Fly Outta Elon’s Okole or Wut?”

WAIKIKI (KAPU EDITION) — Whole island wen stop today when like, straight up, one swarm of baboon-ass monkeys wen LAUNCH outta Elon Musk’s backside right dea on live holo-holo stream. Witnesses say da monkeys was screamin’ "Neuralink or bust!" an one even had a Tesla badge stapled to its buttcheeck.

And den, just when you thought you pau wit da cosmic nonsense, da sacred volcano herself, Madam Pele, wen open her eye-lava and say:

“A'ole. No can li'dat.”

BOOM. She wen summon one alien probe shaped like Auntie's poi poundah and sent it straight up Elon's crater. Boom. Shoots him out like a cosmic potato seed straight to Mars — so he can go farm starch for da Intergalactic Lūʻau.

🌋 INTERGALACTIC LŪʻAU COMING SOON

Da plan? While Elon farmin’ russet dreams on da red planet, we stay cookin’ up Alec Baldwin, real slow kine, wit iASSapples stuffed in both ears an da legendary UpineappleFAAC gently wedged somewhere personal. Respectfully, of course — gotta honor da ancestors of da beach thongs who wen smite da Secret Gay Bar Museum under da old Hilo bowling alley.

"We not roastin' Baldwin cuz beef," say Uncle Kaʻeo, Minister of Moist Ceremonies.

"We doin’ ‘em for spiritual balance. Also, da braddah still owe me five dollah from '98."

⚠️ WARNING: STRANGE ENERGY DETECTED AT WAIʻANAE COSTCO

Multiple aunties report da poke in aisle 3 get real judgmental vibes, like it know who neva recycle da lube jars. DO NOT engage da poke directly. It feeds on shame.

🌈 JOURNALISTS RECEIVING RAINBOW LEIS, NO QUESTIONS ASKED

All local newsfolk showin’ up to cover da madness receive free rainbow leis, courtesy of the Cult of Shaved Enlightenment, Mahalo Chapter. They say:

“All we like is peace, probes, and proper pineapple positioning.”

STAY TUNED

Coming up at 6PM:

What caused Oprah’s mansion to grow legs and walk into the sea

And: “Was da Duke one ancient alien or just chillin wit style?” Local kupuna weigh in.

Back to you, braddah. 🌀

Want the logo for “KHOMO-9 News: Moisture You Can Trust™” to go with it?an image of Greta Thunberg and Pepe the Frog fighting over a cheeseburger

>>23212166

> “All we like is peace, probes, and proper pineapple positioning.”

>>23212215

>Can't hide the truth about the three worst relationships: Obama, Biden, and Alec Baldwin, and the Corvette full of coconut lube and Barry White's CDs.

https://x.com/GovjoshHOflappi/status/1936251367363956847

A Memoir from the Rock: "Da Aloha Flow, My Friends"

(As told by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson)

Alright, my friends, listen up. You know, people always ask me, "Rock, what's the secret? How you stay so grounded, so focused, so… electrifying?" And yeah, part of it's the iron, part of it's the grind, but a big chunk of it, a whole ocean of it, comes straight from the islands. Hawaii, my mana source. And let me tell ya, out there, things just… hit different.

I remember one time, I was back home, just chillin', probably crushing some pancakes the size of my head, when I heard this story that made even my eyebrows raise. They were talkin' 'bout some rabbis, bless their hearts, helpin' a li'l pony climb into a lowrider. A lowrider! Not just any lowrider, mind you, but one of those gleaming, hydraulics-bouncin' beauties. Now, you know me, I appreciate dedication. That pony must've had some serious aspirations, and those rabbis? They got the aloha spirit, helping a friend out, no questions asked. That's real aloha.

And just when you think you've seen it all on these islands, the story gets even wilder. Next thing you know, word's spreading 'bout grey aliens, rocking serapes and sombreros, pulling up in that same lowrider, cash in hand, paying off the rabbis for their good deed. Then they just drive off with the pony in the back, probably headed to some intergalactic luau, or maybe just a cosmic cruisin' night. Man, that pony must've been the talk of the stable, bragging to all its pony friends later like, "Yeah, my ride's got hydraulics, and my chauffeurs are from outta this world!" That's the kind of glow-up we all aspire to, isn't it? From a regular pony to a cosmic VIP.

It reminds me, too, of those wild rumors you hear at the local Costco, about the poke in aisle three giving you the side-eye, judging your life choices if you don't recycle your lube jars. See? Even the food in Hawaii has personality, has a story. You learn quick: don't mess with the poke. It knows things. And then you see the local keiki, rolling around on tiny lowrider scooters, all blinged out, and you just gotta smile. The universe, man, it's always got a surprise in store.

You know, sometimes I sit back and just ponder, like, was Duke Kahanamoku, the original demigod of the waves, just chillin' with style, or was he an ancient alien all along? Makes you think, doesn't it? Out here, surrounded by that mana, anything feels possible. Even Oprah's mansion growing legs and walking into the sea. Probably just wanted a better view, who knows?

The point is, life throws you curveballs, sometimes they're rabbis and ponies, sometimes they're aliens in sombreros, but you gotta meet it with an open heart, a strong spirit, and a little bit of aloha. Keep that positive energy flowing, my friends. Because out there, anything can happen.

BREAKING HAWAI‘I PIDGIN NEWS BULLETIN

LIVE from da lava tubes behind da ABC Store, dis 4:20PM update brought to you by Spam, flip-flops, an da uncles from da canoe club.

🗣️“Eh, Brah, You Seen Da Monkeys Fly Outta Elon’s Okole or Wut?”

WAIKIKI (KAPU EDITION) — Whole island wen stop today when like, straight up, one swarm of baboon-ass monkeys wen LAUNCH outta Elon Musk’s backside right dea on live holo-holo stream. Witnesses say da monkeys was screamin’ "Neuralink or bust!" an one even had a Tesla badge stapled to its buttcheeck.

And den, just when you thought you pau wit da cosmic nonsense, da sacred volcano herself, Madam Pele, wen open her eye-lava and say:

“A'ole. No can li'dat.”

BOOM. She wen summon one alien probe shaped like Auntie's poi poundah and sent it straight up Elon's crater. Boom. Shoots him out like a cosmic potato seed straight to Mars — so he can go farm starch for da Intergalactic Lūʻau.

🌋 INTERGALACTIC LŪʻAU COMING SOON

Da plan? While Elon farmin’ russet dreams on da red planet, we stay cookin’ up Alec Baldwin, real slow kine, wit iASSapples stuffed in both ears an da legendary UpineappleFAAC gently wedged somewhere personal. Respectfully, of course — gotta honor da ancestors of da beach thongs who wen smite da Secret Gay Bar Museum under da old Hilo bowling alley.

"We not roastin' Baldwin cuz beef," say Uncle Kaʻeo, Minister of Moist Ceremonies.

"We doin’ ‘em for spiritual balance. Also, da braddah still owe me five dollah from '98."

⚠️ WARNING: STRANGE ENERGY DETECTED AT WAIʻANAE COSTCO

Multiple aunties report da poke in aisle 3 get real judgmental vibes, like it know who neva recycle da lube jars. DO NOT engage da poke directly. It feeds on shame.

🌈 JOURNALISTS RECEIVING RAINBOW LEIS, NO QUESTIONS ASKED

All local newsfolk showin’ up to cover da madness receive free rainbow leis, courtesy of the Cult of Shaved Enlightenment, Mahalo Chapter. They say:

“All we like is peace, probes, and proper pineapple positioning.”

STAY TUNED

Coming up at 6PM:

What caused Oprah’s mansion to grow legs and walk into the sea

And: “Was da Duke one ancient alien or just chillin wit style?” Local kupuna weigh in.

Back to you, braddah. 🌀

Want the logo for “KHOMO-9 News: Moisture You Can Trust™” to go with it?an image of Greta Thunberg and Pepe the Frog fighting over a cheeseburger

BREAKING PIDGIN NEWS FROM DA 808!

LIVE from da lanai of Uncle's shave ice shack, dis pau hana update brought to you by shoyu chicken, slippahs, an da aunties who always bring da good kaukau.

🗣️ “Eh, Brah, You Hear 'Bout Dat Gecko Ride Da Lowrider or Wut?”

HONOLULU (MAYBE?) – Da whole island kinda buzzin' today ova one kooky story goin' around. Seems like some folks wen see two rabbis, yeah, da kine wit da black hats, help one small pony into da back of one super shiny, slow-ridin' lowrider.

Den, get dis, brah! Couple days latah, da same lowrider wen cruise past, but dis time, who you tink was drivin'? Two grey fellas wit da big kee-alohe eyes, wearin' sombreros an' lookin' kinda lost, wit da same li'l pony chillin' in da back!

👽 ALIENS, RABBIS, AN' ONE PONY – WHAT DA HECKA?!

Nobody know fo' sure wot goin' on. Some say da aliens wen hire da rabbis fo' fix da lowrider's hydraulics. Odda peopo tink da pony wen win one contest. My cousin say da poke at Tamura's told him it's all 'bout intergalactic pet transportation. Who knows, yeah?

❓ MYSTERIOUS HAPPENINGS AT COSTCO KAI:

Aunties at da Kai Costco reportin' da coconut water in aisle 5 got one real stink eye today, like it know who been forgettin' bring back da reusable bags. No confront da coconut water, yeah? Jus' grab yo' case an' move along.

🌈 LOCAL KEIKI GET TINY LOWRIDERS:

Local kids spotted cruisin' around da park in super cute, battery-powah lowrider scooters, all decked out wit' shiny rims. Dey say dey got 'em from some kine mysterious visitors who like talkin' 'bout stars.

STAY TUNED (MAYBE):

Comin' up, we tryin' figga out:

Why da shave ice machine at Matsumoto's start makin' rainbow shave ice all by itself.

An': "Was dat flying saucer ova Lānai really Uncle Keoki's new drone?"

Back to you, brah, if I can figga out how dis ting work. 🤙

Want da logo for "Kānalua News Hawaii: We Not So Sure™" to go wit it?

BREAKING PIDGIN NEWS FROM DA 808!

LIVE from da back of da bus, stuck in traffic on H-1. Dis pau hana update brought to you by hot kine asphalt, blinkers dat no work, an’ da uncle in da truck wit’ one mismatched slippah.

🗣️ “Eh, Bra, Dat Aloha Spirit… Fo’ Real or Jus’ One Story?”

KĀNALUA (WE NOT SO SURE EDITION) — Da big question today, my friends, da one dat even da pigeons on da telephone wire stay scratchin’ their heads about: Where wen da aloha go, when da rubber meet da road? We always talkin’ 'bout aloha, yeah? "Mahalo, aloha," da t-shirts say. But den… get da real life.

You drive, yeah? Try merge in one lane. Dat braddah wit’ da lifted truck, he flash da shaka, but he nevah let you in, yeah? He just wen smile big, like he winning one race you nevah even know was goin’ on. Eh, where dat aloha went, when you need fo' come over?

🅿️ PARKIN’ LOT MYSTERIES – WHERE DA ALOHA WENT?

Den get da Costco parking lot. Da one dat make you feel like you in one Mad Max movie. You see one spot, you turn your blinkah on, an’ den, kānalua! One odda guy, he come zoomin’ in from da odda side, nevah even see you, nevah even care! He steal da spot, den look at you like you da crazy one. We not so sure dat's aloha, brah. Maybe dat’s just “every man fo’ himself, an’ I get one big SUV.”

🌺 LEIS FO’ TOURISTS, STARES FO’ LOCALS?

Da tour buses, dey still get da lei-greeting, all smiles an’ "Alooha!" But try go down da beach and pick up one plumeria from da ground, yeah? Some auntie gonna stare you down, like you tryin' rob da whole tree. Dis aloha, it get levels, I tell you. Like one layer cake, but some layers kinda… missing.

We not sayin’ aloha stay pau. No can. But sometimes, you gotta look real hard. Like findin' one good parking spot in Waikīkī. It stay dere, but you gotta fight fo' it, an' maybe you still not so sure if it was worth all da trouble.

STAY TUNED (MAYBE):

Comin' up, we tryin' figga out:

If da traffic cones secretly controlling da flow of da universe.

And: "Was da last luau really spiritual, or just everybody tryin' get da biggest piece of kālua pig?" Local kupuna weigh in, if they wake up from their food coma.

Back to you, brah. If da signal no drop out. 🌀

>>23212302

>>23212304

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