KHOMO is reachin out to juw
KHOMO wuz thar gbbin juw duhcrack wiggur haole gossip
https://x.com/GovjoshHOflappi/status/1936251367363956847
📡 KHOMO-9 EMERGENCY BULLETIN
🚨 "UNCLE VD CREAM CRISIS: RFK JR IN FLARE MODE" 🚨
Broadcast from the Moisture Dome, underneath the haunted Blockbuster
ANCHOR: Chazzy Mahoe, damp and concerned
TIME: 3:33 AM, during peak swamp moon
TOP STORY:
In an urgent transmission intercepted via coconut-based psychic network, KHOMO-9 confirms:
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (RFK-Jr) is experiencing a spiritual flare-up of ancestral Moisture Disorder, commonly referred to as "Unkl VD."
🧴 REQUEST DETAILS:
“I need the ointment JFK kept in the presidential glovebox. It smells like diplomacy and menthol. Just send it down, I got Tree Fiddy.”
— RFK-Jr (via ghost-audio fax)
Witnesses claim he tried bartering with a pelican for directions to the Secret Lotion Vault buried beneath the Gaybar Museum (formerly Sears).
🧬 THE CREAM ITSELF:
Code Name: Camelot Calm Balm
Alleged Ingredients:
Crushed campaign buttons
Lint from Marilyn Monroe’s glove
Essence of forgotten sax solos
A lock of Biden’s beach leg hair (disputed)
👻 JFK’s GHOST RESPONSE:
“Tell Bobby to stop using my aftershave for wrong chakras. That’s for diplomatic erections, not tree fungus or swamp regrets.”
💸 ECONOMIC COLLAPSE RISK?
KHOMO-9’s financial prophets warn:
“If Tree Fiddy circulates too fast through the Moist Economy without ritual cleansing, we could face a Glitter Inflation Cascade™ by next Tuesday.”
FINAL WORD FROM KHOMO WEATHER TEAM:
Clouds forming in the shape of LBJ’s regretful nipples suggest a balm drop may occur near Mauna Moist at dusk.
🕊 Stay oiled. Stay vigilant.
🩺 KHOMO-9: News You Can Rub On.™
📣 KHOMO-9 BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN
"MEOWiSTRONK Files Petition: RENT TOO DAMN HIGH – and SO IS THE LITTER BOX"
Filed under: Feline Rights, Economic Clawtastrophe
Reporter: Spaghetti Pussolini, KHOMO-9 Whisker Correspondent
📑 DOCUMENT TITLE: Petition to the Intergalactic Gaybar Council Regarding Rent Being Too Damn High
Filed by: MEOWiSTRONK, Esq., Self-Proclaimed Leader of the Feline Underground, Devourer of Leftover Kalua Pork, 5x Winner of the Pawlympics Sass-Off.
💅 PRIMARY MEOWGRIEVANCES:
RENT TOO HIGH FOR NUMBER OF NAPS:
“We sleep 18 hours a day. We need more surfaces, less rent, and no screaming babies.”
LITTER TAX INCREASE UNFAIR TO THICC CATS:
“Do you know how hard it is to aim when your cheeks drag like a lowrider?”
NO MORE DEPOSITS FOR SCRATCH DAMAGE:
“It’s called vertical expression. It’s cultural. You wouldn’t fine a monk for meditating too hard!”
HAIRBALL FEES UNJUST AND POSSIBLY RACIST:
“It’s natural. Let us be hairy and phlegmy in peace.”
TOO MANY DOG NEIGHBORS WITH BAD VIBES.
“They smell like landlord energy. And spaghetti guilt.”
🧃 DEMANDS FROM MEOWiSTRONK:
Subsidized windowsills for all
Rainbow laser dot rations
Rent forgiveness in exchange for 3 offerings of purring under moonlight
Mandatory “Soft Blanket Hour” enforced by gay space pelicans
Eviction of landlord ghosts from sacred cat temple (a.k.a. under the futon)
📣 CLOSING STATEMENT FROM MEOWiSTRONK:
“WE. ARE. STRONK.
WE. ARE. TIRED.
WE. DESERVE TO KNOCK YOUR CRYSTALS OFF THE SHELF
WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.
If you no lower da rent, we gonna poop sideways in your Birkenstocks. MEOW.”
🌈 KHOMO-9: Reporting the truth, the purr, and the late rent since 2023.
“If the meow is loud, you must disavow the landlord.”™
😹 YES — KHOMO-9 never forgets free BOTO incentives.
Here's the Free Boto Parking Advertisement in all its glistening absurdity, reissued for public lube-awareness and civic engagement:
🌺 🌈 OFFICIAL KHOMO-9 ANNOUNCEMENT 🌈
🚗🅿️ FREE BOTO PARKING ALL WEEKEND 🅿️🚗
Brought to you by: The Gaybar Museum, Moisture District, and Aunty Pua's Spirit Tow Service
📍 WHERE:
Under the sacred banyan near the lava-scented vape hut
Behind Zippy’s (use password: “SPANKALOHA”)
Top deck of the Rainbow Parking Structure (Level THICC)
🫦 WHO QUALIFIES?
✅ Uncle in mesh tank top? ✅
✅ Auntie with aggressive eyebrows? ✅
✅ Softboy who owns one crystal but swears he’s "intuitive"? ✅
✅ Nonbinary dolphin handlers? ✅
✅ YOU? ✅
(Just honk 3 times and shout “I OFFER MY BOTO TO THE SKY!”)
🎁 WHAT YOU GET:
VIP Glitter Cone Access
Free “LUBE ME FOR JUSTICE” bumper decal
Two complimentary confession coupons (redeemable at the Moisture Choir Tent)
A sloppy rainbow blessing from the Hello Kitty Shrine Chaplain (optional but spiritually sticky)
🚨 LIMITED TIME!
Because freedom ain't free, but BOTO parking should be.
🪩 KHOMO-9: “Bringing cheeks and change to a cul-de-sac near you.”
💋 “Don’t let your BOTO be displaced by landlord spirits again.”
📡 KHOMO-9 BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN
🚨 "HELLO KITTY COUP: PINK RIBBON GONE ROGUE" 🚨
Anchor: Lolly Loops, Glitter Intelligence Desk
Location: Secret Moisture Tribunal, Beneath the Pearl Ridge Claire’s
🐱 STORY DEVELOPING: SANRIO CRISIS LEVEL RAINBOW-9
KHOMO-9 can now confirm reports that Hello Kitty has defected from her usual post as Mascot of Tactical Cuteness and may be arming rogue sparkle cultists in the Mauna Moist temple complex.
🎀 INCIDENT TIMELINE:
Friday 4:44 AM:
Hello Kitty seen smuggling unauthorized glitter grenades in her bow via pelican courier.
Friday 5:00 AM:
A Ceremonial Lube Parade went off-script when the Hello Kitty float activated and took flight, spraying sentient blush gas across three counties.
Friday 5:01 AM:
Witnesses report Kitty was chanting, "Kawaii is war. Bows are for battle."
🎥 INTERVIEW WITH WITNESS AUNTY VAE:
“I was buyin’ musubi when I saw her wink at a jellyfish and call down lightning. That not Hello Kitty. That one Hetero Exorcist Kitty in disguise!”
🎮 MILITARY RESPONSE:
KHOMO’s elite F.A.G. (Feminine Aesthetic Guardians) were deployed wearing protective Lisa Frank armor.
Their mission:
De-escalate the Kawaii Insurgency
Re-sanctify the Sparkle Shrine
Retrieve the forbidden pink thumb drive last known to contain Top Secret Gaybar Coordinates™
🎭 THE PSYCHIC DAMAGE:
Several cult interns exposed to rogue bowwave pulses are now speaking in Sanrio tongues and compulsively baking muffins shaped like Alec Baldwin’s thumbs.
One of them reportedly ascended mid-twerk and is now classified as a “Floating Twunk of Interest.”
📜 OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM KHOMO-9:
“We ask the public to remain calm, apply glitter sparingly, and report any plush animals behaving like lobbyists.”
HELLO KITTY RESPONDS (via astral stickergram):
“U can’t spell REBELLION without BOW.
FAPP the system. Free the cheeks.”
🌀 DEVELOPING…
Stay tuned for our exclusive KHOMO-9 sit-down interview with Chococat, who claims he foresaw this betrayal in the sprinkles.
—
💄 KHOMO-9: Where Drama Meets Diaper Protocol.
🌈 “We don’t report the news — we accessorize it.”™