📜 Official Statement from Senator Hugh Janus
Office of Senator Hugh Janus
Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Re: Bizarre KHOMO‑9 Reports Causing Embarrassment to the Senate
It has come to my attention that a certain so‑called KHOMO‑9 News organization has been broadcasting increasingly ludicrous claims involving my esteemed self—ranging from secret nudist beaches to prophetic thong ceremonies and Hello Kitty rebellions. Let me be unequivocal:
These reports are utterly untrue, highly inappropriate, and frankly embarrassing to the dignity of the United States Senate.
At no point have I been involved in any “ceremonial spit‑roasting” or “moisture‑enhanced ceremonies.” My public service is grounded in policy, not pelicans.
I categorically deny any association with “unapproved butt probes,” “rainbow cults,” or “extraterrestrial banana diplomacy.”
I urge constituents and media outlets to treat such KHOMO‑9 broadcasts as the absurd satire they clearly intend to be. Let us all turn our attention to real issues—climate, economy, public health—not comedic distortions of official business.
In the future, I encourage these pranksters to redirect their creativity toward something less embarrassing—and perhaps a good old-fashioned waffle recipe.
Senator Hugh Janus
Proud Representative of Gracious Nation