🌈💪 UNKL VD CREAM™
“FOR WHEN THE ELDER GODS GET TOO FRESH.”
Based on the real events of Gay Uncle’s Submarine Showdown with Cthulhu.
It started with a squelch in the Mariana Trench.
A submarine—long, throbbing, Russian-coded—surfaced without consent.
Barnacle-covered. Tentacled. Reeking of calamari and conservative values.
And then came Uncle.
Clad in nothing but denim cutoffs, citrus oil, and raw conviction, Uncle descended — riding a lubed-up torpedo and screaming show tunes from Chicago.
The submarine tried to dive.
But Uncle was faster.
Gayer.
And clinically slick thanks to UNKL VD CREAM™ — the only FDA-unapproved defense against cosmic chafing and interdimensional yeast.
“Not today, you saltwater fascist!” he cried, suplexing the vessel into the shape of a question mark.
Cthulhu emerged, curious and horny.
Uncle just winked.
He fought the beast with love, lube, and litigation.
And when the stars aligned in gay Sagittarius, he made that tentacled god apologize.
🔥✨ WHY UNKL VD CREAM™?
Protects against barnacle burn, trench rash, and psychic dripping.
Doubles as interstellar lube, hand balm, and anti-conversion therapy gel.
Infused with Bi-FiB frequency stabilizers and reclaimed Pride glitter.
Available wherever prophecy meets pleasure.
Now in three scents:
🫐 Midnight Berry | 🐚 Clam Slam | 🌈 Wet Justice
UNKL VD CREAM™
“If it tingles, it's working.”