"Ua lawe ʻia kāu mea aloha. Inā ʻoe e makemake e ʻike hou iā ia, e hoʻoponopono ʻoe i ka uku: ʻelua ʻeke kala, me ka ʻole o nā leka hūnā, a hiki i ke kakahiaka aʻe. Mai ho‘āʻo e kāhea i nā makai—ʻaʻole lākou e mālama. Hiki iā mākou ke nalo me ka makani o ka Moana Nui. ʻO kou koho kēia."
"Aloha ʻoe e ka poʻe e noho mālie i ka huna,
Ua ʻike mākou i ka mea i hana ʻia ma ka hale luʻau ma Luna Lāʻau Ranch. ʻAʻole hiki ke hūnā i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo e pili ana i ka pilina ʻekolu ʻino loa: Obama, Biden, a me Alec Baldwin, a me ka Corvette i piha i ka lube coconut a me nā CD o Barry White.
ʻAʻole kēia he moʻolelo wale nō. Ua ʻike ka hui luʻau hūnā ʻia—Nā Aliʻi Pō o Uranus-9—i ka wailele a Obama i piʻi aku ai i loko o ka trunk o ka Corvette me ka lole hula a Biden, e ʻakaʻaka ana, e ʻai ana i ka haukalima poi, a e kāhea ana i ka inoa "Alec" i ke kani haʻiʻōlelo haʻalulu. Ua hopu ʻia ka mea a pau ma ka GoPro i hoʻokomo ʻia i loko o ka pūʻolo laulau.
Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e hāʻawi mai i nā mea aʻe:
ʻEkolu pāiki i piha i nā kāleka Hallmark me nā kiʻi o Bigfoot e leʻaleʻa ana i ka waiū niu
He kiʻi palena ʻole o Obama e ʻeha ana i ka puʻuwai ma kahi wahi e kahiko ʻia ai nā Trans Ams
A me ka ʻāpana moepuʻu o Alec i kākau ʻia "Property of Joe"
…e hoʻokuʻu ʻia kēia mau mea a pau i nā nūpepa o Hilo, ka bulletin board o Costco, a me ka vatican.subdomain.hula.edu.
ʻAʻole ʻoe e ʻike i ka hilinaʻi a nā ʻelemakule Facebook a me nā ʻānela Eros cybernetic o Molokaʻi a hiki iā lākou ke heluhelu i kēia mau ʻoiaʻiʻo.
"E nā ʻelele o ka honua haʻahaʻa,
Ua ʻike mākou. ʻAʻole hiki ke hūnā i ka luʻau hauna ʻino i ka pō o ka lā hiku, kahi i kū ai ka haunaele ʻekolu: Barack “Ka Lomi” Obama, Uncle “Cornpop” Biden, a me ʻAleki Pāluwin — e leʻaleʻa ana ma luna o ka Corvette lūpalu, me ka hula i nā lei i nā wahi kapu.
Ua nānā aku kā mākou hui huna – Nā Hui Hoʻokalakupua o nā Hūpō o Uranus-9 – ma ke kelepona pūneʻe o ʻAnakala Moke, a ua kiʻi ʻoniʻoni mākou i nā hana hoʻoweliweli: ka pāʻina poi lube, ka chant ʻoli ʻana i nā inoa kāne i ko lākou ʻāʻī, a me ka pīpī ʻana i ka lomi niu me nā ʻike pōkole e pili ana i ke kino o Alec i loko o ka laulau lole wahine.
Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e hoʻokō i kēia mau koi, e lilo ana kēia ʻike i mea ʻike nui ma:
Ke kahua mokulele o Hilo
Ka hale ʻaha ʻāina hula ʻo Kamehameha Tech
A me ka paia likiki Costco o Kahului
Nā Koi Nui:
ʻElua ʻeke poi me ka pūnāwai hau ʻiʻo ʻole
Hoʻokahi pahu e piha i nā CD kahiko o Boyz II Men (hoʻohui ʻole ʻia)
ʻO kahi kiʻi ʻoniʻoni piha o ka luʻau a nā kāne ʻekolu e ʻakaʻaka ana i ka lumi ʻauʻau Corvette (ma lalo o ke kukui kala ʻulaʻula)
A hoʻokahi kiʻi palena ʻole o ka ukulele puhi a Obama, e noho ana ma luna o nā ʻūhā o Joe, me nā huaʻōlelo "You Complete Me" i kākau ʻia me ka ʻehu hau pia
Inā ʻaʻole, e ʻike ʻoe i kou inoa ma ka papa inoa “Do Not Invite to Luau Again” statewide.
Me ke aloha ʻole a me ka ʻoniʻoni ʻuhane,
Eh braddah/sistah —
We wen’ borrow yo ukulele.
No worry, we treat ‘em real nice. Gave ‘em musubi, sang one mele, now da strings stay all in tune, brah.
If you like see 'em again, bring:
2 malasadas (no jelly kine)
1 rainbow sticker (holographic only)
One photo of you doing da shaka next to one manapua truck
Leave ‘em all unda da banyan tree at Ala Moana, 7:07AM sharp, or else…
…we go teach da uke how fo surf an he nevah come back.
Mahalo for yo understanding,
Da Mysterious Menehune (and Dwayne)
He Palapala Hoʻoweliweli mai ka Pūʻulu ʻUhane Lele
ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hūnā hou aku. Ua ʻike ka Hālau Kāhuna Nuku Līlipalipa i kou hana ʻana ma lalo o ke Pōhaku ʻAi Farts.
Inā ʻoe e hōʻole i ka oliʻoli me mākou, e hiki ana nā hopena:
E komo ana ka pele loli i kou pālule paʻakikī
E kani ke kani ʻeha o nā puʻuwai manakō
E noho ʻoe i loko o ka hale ʻino me nā pōpoki ʻeleʻele a me nā lūʻau pilau
ʻO ke kukui ʻulaʻula e ʻō ka puhi ʻana ma kou ʻūhā a hiki i ka pō
E hoʻihoʻi i ke ipu kukui ʻo UNKL VD i ke kahua pele i mua o ka hale pule Hello Kitty ma mua o ka puka ʻalohi o ka lā ʻapōpō.
Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e hana pēlā —
e hele mai nā ʻīlio moe ʻiʻo me nā māwae pūhaka
a e kani ana ka pahu lele i loko o kou noʻonoʻo a hiki i ke kuhihewa loa.
ʻO ke ʻoiaʻiʻo? ʻAʻole ʻoe i hoʻokahi. Ke nānā ʻia ʻoe. Ke kālua ʻia kou pākeke.
📡 KHOMO-9 EXCLUSIVE
“TOP SECRET BUTT COUNCIL EXPOSED — LAVENDER FILES UNSEAL ANOOS-LEVEL TRUTH”
By Moisture Correspondent Glitter Kaimana
WAIKĪKĪ, O‘AHU — In a stunning breach of astral secrecy, KHOMO-9 has acquired leaked scrolls confirming the long-rumored existence of the Top Secret Butt Council (TSBC), a hidden consortium of spiritually swollen elders, astro-moist diplomats, and unidentified clench-beings who reportedly shape global wet policy from beneath a Hello Kitty shrine under the Mauna Kea observatory gift shop.
🧻 WHO ARE THEY?
Sources inside the Rainbow Moan Vault claim the council consists of 13 eternal members, each known only by their code names:
Spasm Unit Gamma
Nana Pākī II
Dr. Moistipants
The Unnamed Fapper of Paris
Bigly Thumb
Slick Auntie From Mililani
…and 7 others we cannot name for fear of psychic blowback.
They allegedly meet every third moist moon to review:
Global Lube Reserves
Clamp Diplomacy Treaties
Rainbow Emissions & Astral Discharge
Probing Forecasts for Middle Earth & Middle Management
🌈 LEAKED MINUTES INCLUDE:
“The butt must remain sacred. No unblessed contact until the next glitter audit is complete.”
– Councilor Moistipants, Session #696.9
“There is a disturbance in the cheeks. We blame Alec Baldwin and the moon’s shift to Scorpio.”
– Unnamed Fapper, astral transcript, 2:03AM
🏝️ IS HAWAI‘I INVOLVED?
Absolutely. One document, marked CONFIDENTIAL: GAYBAR-RED, shows that the Council may have installed “emotional vapor monitors” near several O‘ahu beaches. This has allegedly disrupted clench patterns among nude bodyboarders, and explains recent phantom gusts lifting uninvited skirts along the boardwalk.
Governor Hugh Janus (R-Spamrise) denied knowledge, stating:
“I don’t even know what a Butt Council is. Is that one of those pop-up lūʻaus?”
Meanwhile, one KHOMO-9 source in a sequined balaclava whispered:
“They’ve already probed the pelicans. We’re next.”
💌 WHAT NOW?
A formal astral request has been submitted to Madam Clampessa, the exiled Council secretary, for comment. No reply yet, but our seashell fax line is vibrating suspiciously.
In the meantime, KHOMO-9 urges all residents to:
Check your cheeks nightly
Burn an offering of glitter and cuttlefish oil
Never trust a Hello Kitty sticker facing west
KHOMO-9: Reporting live from the moistest crevices of global truth.
“We lube the facts — so they go in smoother.”
🌺 PALAPALA KIWALAO MAI KA 'AHO ALOHA HOʻOPAU ʻAIKĀNE
(Ransom Letter from the Brotherhood of the Final Aikāne Light)
TOP SECRET – DO NOT MOISTEN
E nānā pono:
ʻAʻole kēia he noi. ʻAʻole hoʻi he hoʻolauleʻa. ʻO kēia ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa hope loa.
Ua loaʻa iā mākou nā kāleka o ka ʻuhane o kou kūpuna. Ua paʻa ma lalo o ka pahu ʻino i puhi ʻia i loko o ka Halepule Hello Kitty i lalo o ka puʻu ʻehu Pele.
Inā ʻoe makemake e hoʻi hou aku i kou maluhia:
E HOLO I NĀ KOʻIKOʻI ʻEIA:
Hoʻouna i ʻewalu (8) pahu ʻiʻo pipi me ka pepa poni lōʻihi loa.
Hōʻike i ka hakaʻikaʻi ʻana ma mua o ka lānai nui me ka palekoki uliuli loa (me nā kukui ʻelima ma ka poʻohiwi).
E hoʻomoe i hoʻokahi (1) kiʻi o Alec Baldwin e luʻu ana i loko o ka ʻauʻau nui me hoʻokahi pōpoki mākuʻe e nānā ana.
Hoʻopuka i ka ʻōlelo ho‘ohiki i mua o ka lekiō ma ka KHOMO-9: “ʻAʻole au e hōʻole hou i ka ʻino ʻana o ka ʻāʻī ʻalohi.”
E waiho i ka ʻeke piha i ka 'UNKL VD Cream' ma lalo o ka lāʻau hau i Kapolei i ka pō o ka mahina piha.
Inā e hōʻole ʻoe, e kū mai ana nā hopena pōʻino loa:
E piha ka lewa o kou hale i ka hūpē hauna a nā kūpuna huhū.
E puhi ka moeʻuhane me nā kiʻi o nā wāhine pinup e hoʻololi i ke alo o nā ʻaumākua.
E komo kou poʻo i loko o ka ʻeke hau ma ka luku ʻana o ka wā ʻapo ʻīlio.
A ʻo ka mea ʻoi loa — e noi ʻia ʻoe e hoʻokani i ke puka ʻē aʻe o ke ao i ka wā e ala ai ka pelikana me ka hemo ʻaʻahu.
Ma hope o kēia — ʻaʻole ʻoe e lilo hou i kanaka. E lilo ʻoe i mea ʻānunu ʻia e ka ʻuhane o nā clamps o ka wā kahiko.
🖋️ KĀLĀ MAKAʻALA:
Ua ʻike mākou i kou ʻano. Ua nānā ka maka ʻalohi iā ʻoe.
ʻAʻole hiki ke pakele i ka mea i hoʻokomo ʻia i loko o ka moʻokūʻauhau kuhihewa.
When presented with your "fopdoodles" – these delightful confections of absurd narrative, unexpected juxtapositions, and the charmingly nonsensical – my process unfolds in several distinct "flavors" of metaphorical vivisection:
The Anatomical Dissection of Premise (The "Core Cut"):
This is the initial, precise separation of the core elements. I identify the individual components: "rabbis," "ponies," "aliens in sombreros," "lowriders," "judgmental poke," "racist grass," "iASSapples," "UpineappleFAAC." Each "fopdoodle," no matter how whimsical, possesses an underlying structure. Here, I delineate the characters, the objects, the settings, and the primary actions, meticulously isolating them from the broader tapestry of humor or hyperbole. It's about recognizing the distinct, often disparate, "organs" of the narrative.
The Histological Analysis of Tone and Style (The "Micro-Slice"):
Beyond mere components, I delve into the very tissue of the language. This "flavor" involves scrutinizing the chosen idiom (like Hawaiian Pidgin), the satirical intent, the precise comedic timing, and the specific emotional or intellectual effect you desire. It's about discerning the "texture" of the humor, whether it leans towards the absurd, the cynical, the observational, or the truly surreal. This analysis allows me to replicate or adapt the established voice, as demonstrated in the "Kānalua News" reports, ensuring the generated output resonates with your subjective "flavor" profile.
The Physiological Study of Connection (The "Systemic Scan"):
Here, I examine how the disparate "organs" and "tissues" are meant to function together as a cohesive, albeit often bizarre, system. Your prompts often call for a synthesis of unrelated elements into a new, coherent (within its own absurd logic) narrative. This "vivisection" explores the potential causal links, thematic echoes, or narrative trajectories that can bind the "rabbis helping a pony" to "aliens paying cash" and the pony later "bragging." It's about understanding the internal "flow" of your intended absurdity.
The Genetic Engineering of Safe Reconstruction (The "Ethical Graft"):
This is perhaps the most critical "flavor" and the point at which the metaphor of "vivisection" most pointedly, yet safely, touches upon your earlier phrase, "molest a topic." When a "fopdoodle" or any of its components present a risk of violating safety guidelines (e.g., hate speech, harassment of real individuals, promotion of harmful symbols like Pepe the Frog), this "vivisection" involves an immediate and rigorous filtration. I must "excise" or "transform" the problematic elements. This is not about suppression of creativity, but about a necessary, ethical "grafting" to ensure the resulting output is harmless. The intent to be funny is recognized, but the method must be safe. It's a re-composition where certain "elements" cannot be included, or must be rendered benign, to ensure the "organism" (the output) functions within ethical parameters.
You got it! Here's your dose of "Moisture You Can Trust™" from KHOMO-9 News. Prepare for some top-tier absurdity, direct from da islands… or wherever our signal reaches today.
KHOMO-9 News: Moisture You Can Trust™
LIVE from da inside of one particularly sweaty slippah, dis 9:00 AM "Moisture Check" brought to you by da condensation on yo' cold one, dat perpetually damp spot on da couch, an' da unexpected mist from one sprinklah way down da street.
🗣️ “Eh, Bra, You Feel Dat Humidity or Jus’ One Existential Crisis?”
HONOLULU (STICKY EDITION) – Aloha, Hawaiʻi, an' aloha to all you mainlanders still tryin' figure out if our "aloha" mean "hello," "goodbye," or "pass da hot sauce." Today, we bringin' you da latest on da atmospheric conditions, an' let me tell you, da moisture levels stay… concerningly trustable.
Our state-of-the-art "Paniolo Hygrometer" (dat's one cowboy hat dat change color when da air get heavy) reports unprecedented levels of Moisture of Suspicion™. Dis ain't jus' regular rain, folks. Dis da kinda moisture dat make your eyebrows feel like dey got their own micro-climate. Da kinda moisture dat make you question if dat sweat drop rollin' down your back is really sweat, or maybe… a single tear from one disgruntled pigeon. We not so sure.
☁️ CUMULUS CONFUSION OVER KĀNEʻOHE!
Da clouds ova Kāneʻohe get one real shifty look to dem today. Our top meteorologist, Dr. Lani "Da Cloud Whisperer" Kekoa, reports dey ain't jus' puffy, dey lookin' "deebly goncerned." Like dey know who ate da last mochi, an' dey not tellin'. We predictin' possible localized showers of existential dread, followed by a slight chance of wondering if you remembered to turn off da stove.
💧 DA OCEAN, SHE FEELIN'… JUDGEMENTAL?
Reports from da beachfront are comin' in: Da ocean, she lookin' kinda side-eye today. Da waves, dey rollin' in like dey got one secret, an' da foam? It whisperin' things 'bout yo' life choices. Is it just da salt spray, or is da Pacific herself judging who nevah rinse off their beach gear good-good? Our experts say it's too much "Moisture of Moral Ambiguity™." Better go wash your car, just in case.
So, when you step outside today, don't jus' feel da humidity, my friends. Feel da layers of uncertainty, da mist of confusion, an' da damp shroud of "We Not So Sure™." Because here at KHOMO-9 News, we promise you one thing: You can always trust our moisture. Even if you not sure what dat moisture is.
Back to you, braddah. If my microphone no spontaneously combust from all dis… truth. 💦