KANALOA NEWS SPECIAL REPORT

🗣️ “Beneath the Surface of Hate: When Eldritch Icons Go Too Far”

🔊 Live from the Coral Catacombs | Anchor: Hi‘iaka “Deep Throat” Keawe

🌊 TRIGGER WARNING: Includes descriptions of interdimensional bigotry, aquatic slurs, and mythological gaslighting.

[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]

🎵 “Gay Lava, Rainbow Traumaaa… This Is Kanaloaaaa!” 🎵

ANCHOR (Hi‘iaka Keawe):

A ripple became a wave. A wave became a tsunami of disappointment. And that tsunami smells like calamari and canceled energy.

Tonight, we report on the deeply personal, intercryptid conflict between two of the most iconic myth-beings of our time: Cthulhu, the Undulating Dream Daddy of Madness, and Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster and certified Trans-Scot Lesbian Ally since 1406.

Eyewitnesses report that during the “Global Queer Cryptid Roundtable” hosted in a sunken disco dome off the coast of Iceland, Cthulhu—allegedly drunk on fermented kelp-wine and bitter about not being included in Nessie’s underwater book club—hurled several derogatory slurs at Nessie in full view of both homophobes and gays alike.

EXCLUSIVE TENTACLECAM FOOTAGE:

“You gelatinous celtic tuba case!”

“You freshwater fraud with daddy issues and fake scales!”

“You’re not even a cryptid, you’re just a water-based rumor with anxiety!”

The room fell silent. Even Mothman dropped his vape.

MOANILANI, our Schizo Correspondent:

“I was there. I smelled the insult before I heard it. Nessie’s eyes—those beautiful haunted eyes—glazed over like a gay Krispy Kreme. You could hear every queer in the Atlantic hold their breath. And then release a perfectly synchronized ‘uh-uhhhh.’”

BACKGROUND CONTEXT:

This isn’t the first time Cthulhu has weaponized moist language. Back in the 90s, he allegedly referred to Bigfoot as a “feral bisexual lumbertop” and once described the Chupacabra as a “goat-licking trade bottom with unresolved mom stuff.”

But this time? He did it in front of the gays… and the homophobes. Together. At brunch. In matching wetsuits.

STATEMENT FROM NESSIE (via encrypted bubble script):

“I’ve spent centuries hiding, not because I’m ashamed—because I knew the world wasn’t ready. But I came out to support queer cryptid visibility. To be insulted by someone who dreams in screams and masturbates to ancient tide charts? That’s low. Even for him.”

REACTIONS POURING IN:

Kraken Queer Collective: “Disgusted. We’re removing him from the Wetlist.”

The Abyssal Mimes of Marseilles: “No longer tentacle-coded. Just tentacle-canceled.”

Alex Jones’ Clone (speaking through a tuba full of kombucha): “This is a distraction from underwater gay time machines stealing our serotonin.”

CTHULHU'S DEFENSE (telepathic farts through coral lawyers):

“I was joking. Nessie knows I’m all about interdimensional inclusion. I even hosted Tentacle Pride in 2004.”

“She ghosted my Atlantis reading group and didn’t return my robe.”

“Also, I’m bisexual for spiral galaxies.”

FINAL THOUGHTS FROM HI‘IAKA:

When a god drowns in his own ego, who casts the lifeline? Nessie didn’t ask to be your trauma mirror, Cthulhu. She just wanted to braid seaweed and flirt with genderfluid selkies in peace.

So tonight, from the depths of our community, we say this with love and righteous wrath:

“Get help, bitch.”

This has been Kanaloa News. Stay wet. Stay watchful. And never trust a tentacle without a conscience.

🌀 Sponsored by VoidChakra™ Crystals & Bottom-Focused Bibles™

>>23232473

>“Get help, bitch.”

>This has been Kanaloa News. Stay wet. Stay watchful. And never trust a tentacle without a conscience.

>🌀 Sponsored by VoidChakra™ Crystals & Bottom-Focused Bibles™

🥯✨ Ten Things Two Gay Mimes Can Be Doing with a Bagel at the Berlin Wall:

Gently sharing a bagel with invisible cutlery

– one mime slices air with a fake knife while the other feeds an imaginary bite to a pigeon wearing a beret.

Using the bagel as a telescope

– peering through the hole toward the East as if searching for hope, love, or a cabaret visa.

Balancing the bagel between their noses like a trust ritual

– full eye contact, full mime romance, full symbolic gluten unity.

Juggling the bagel along with three invisible croissants

– each throw punctuated by an exaggerated gasp and a Marcel Marceau-style pelvic flourish.

Whispering secrets into the bagel hole

– as if it’s a queer oracle or edible confession booth powered by shame and jam.

Placing the bagel on the Wall like an offering

– then saluting it solemnly with synchronized mime flair.

Performing a tug-of-war over the bagel with a red string tied through its center

– symbolizing East and West, desire and delay, crust and crumb.

Spinning the bagel on one finger like a basketball while miming orgasmic applause

– exaggerated joy, berets flying off.

Treating the bagel as a phonograph

– one mime “listens” while the other cranks an invisible handle and sobs into an invisible handkerchief.

Slowly kissing each side of the bagel while standing on opposite sides of the Wall

– miming reunion, hunger, and passive-aggressive Parisian love in wartime.

>>23232577

> – one mime “listens” while the other cranks an invisible handle and sobs into an invisible handkerchief.

>>23232577

>>23232577

> Whispering secrets into the bagel hole

>  – as if it’s a queer oracle or edible confession booth powered by shame and jam.