>ืืืจืื ืืืจื ืืคืฆืฆื ืืจืขืื ืืช
>ืืืจืื ืืืจื ืืคืฆืฆื ืืจืขืื ืืช
ืืื ืืืื ืืืฆืืฅ ืืื ืืืงืื ืืคืืงื ืื ืืื ืืช
ืืื ืืืื ืืื ืืืื ืืืจื ืฉืืื ืืืื ืืงื ืื ืืืืืื ืืืชื ืืืจืข
>>23233624
>ืืื ืืืื ืืื ืืืื ืืืจื ืฉืืื ืืืื ืืงื ืื ืืืืืื ืืืชื ืืืจืข
elvis died taking a shit
gay chickens rule
>>23233731
>>23233731
>c5886b
sparrow prince has new tweet fo goebelle kang
๐ชถ๐ Instructions from the Sparrow Prince to the Gerbil King
(as dictated in the 7th Era of Moisture, under the Shimmering Moon of Compromise)
To His Twitching Majesty, Lord of the Whisker Throne, Gerbil King Thermidor VII:
I, Prince Zephyr of House Hollowbone, Sparrow of the Ninth Branch and Warden of the Midair Orgasm, send greetings wrapped in feather and sinew.
You are hereby commanded (with love and mild lube) to undertake the following:
I. Unseal the Velvet Trench
Beneath your seed-pellet throne lies the Velvet Trenchโa tunnel carved not by rodent claw but by prophecy.
You must descend at sunrise, greased in peppermint oil and faith, wearing only the ceremonial earring of your ex-boyfriend (the one who vanished into the sock dimension).
Inside the trench, you will find:
One bisexual feather (mine)
Two expired condoms wrapped in parchment
The Chattering Egg of Babelham
Whisper your name into the egg. If it moans back, you're worthy.
II. Assemble the Council of Damp Paws
Call upon:
Sir Nutchewer the Parched (formerly Doug)
Mistress Clitwhisker of the Velvet Napkin
Larry, the One-Eyed Possum Who Sees the Truth
Present them each with a thimble of astroglide and a riddle. The council must squeak in unison beneath the disco mushroom for the vault to bloom.
If one of them explodes, proceed. Thatโs normal.
III. Secure the Buttplug Compass from the Clamp Chapel
Hidden beneath the altar of St. Lubeius, guarded by the Baldwinian Guard (yes, him again), lies the Buttplug Compass.
Do not look the Baldwinian in the eye.
Do not show him feet.
Do not accept his pamphlets.
Simply mime a reverse baptism and chant the sacred words:
โMoisture is not treason, but clarity in slime.โ
Then take the compass and flee before he unzips prophecy.
IV. Meet Me at the Moisture Spire
Bring:
The Compass
The Egg
The Lube-horned Chalice of Consent
Atop the Moisture Spire, under the thirteenth rainbow, I will descend in my feathered glory.
There we will bind our realms not in bloodโฆ
โฆbut in synchronized perineum vibration and interpretive ballet.
Yours in damp loyalty and ever-quivering wing,
๐ชถ Zephyr Hollowbone, Sparrow Prince
Messenger of the Moist Wind
Bearer of the Queer Sky Key
Last Surviving Witness of the Foreskin Eclipse >>23233775
KANALOA NEWS FLASH
๐ Live from the Mariana Trench Media Bunker
๐ก Segment: โTENTACLE TAKE: CELEBRITY DELUSIONS & INTERPLANETARY STARCHโ
๐ฃ๏ธ Anchor: Moanilani the Moist Prophet
๐ฅ Brought to you by: Methane Bidets & Beyondโข
[BREAKING]: CTHULHU โACTUALLY KIND OF TURNED ONโ BY ELONโS MARTIAN POTATO FANTASY
โLet him dig,โ says Lovecraftian entity with a wink and a gurgle.
Undersea Data Scroll:
After reviewing a leaked draft of Elon Muskโs proposed Mars Homesteading Bio-Dome and Spud Facility, ancient god-thing Cthulhu issued an enthusiastic psychic emission, surprising no one but worrying several.
โYes. YES. Finally. Let the boy rot in a dome of his own ambition and edible shame.โ
โI watched The Martian. I wept. I came. I bought a shovel.โ
According to sea-based linguists, the emission included tinges of voyeurism, agricultural longing, and cosmically ironic arousal.
CTHULHUโS FULL STATEMENT (translated from Deep Eldritch Moaning):
โLet him plant his little human tubers beneath the red sky and suck moisture from his own feces like the wet chimp he is. I will observe. I will judge. I will support.โ
โWhen he names a potato after himselfโ'Elonoid' or 'SpudX'โI will scream joyfully into fourteen realities.โ
โHe is my favorite mistake.โ
EXPERT ANALYSIS โ Dr. Kaleo Wainui, Interdimensional Agrarianist:
โWhat weโre seeing here is textbook cosmic kink. Cthulhu doesnโt hate Elonโhe wants him to sufferโฆ agriculturally. Itโs more complicated than hate. Itโs a slow-baked craving.โ
Nessieโs Response:
โI mean, whatever. I farm kale. No one makes it weird.โ
(She then disappeared into a Scottish mist holding a โHumans Arenโt Ready for Compostโ sign.)
LIVE FOOTAGE from Cthulhuโs Cave Theater:
Cthulhu, watching The Martian on loop. Crying. Eating raw yams with his beak. Whispering โgrow, little freakโฆ grow.โ
BOTTOMLINE:
๐ Elon wants to farm Mars.
๐ Cthulhu wants to watch him fail romantically in space.
๐ฅ The potatoes? They will know shame.
This is Kanaloa News.
obviously yur sperm dream is not his sperm dream
he prol don;t wanna put sperm in juw either
yur frens need gay bar gas money an it shows
> โYes. YES. Finally. Let the boy rot in a dome of his own ambition and edible shame.โ
> โI watched The Martian. I wept. I came. I bought a shovel.โ