KANALOA NEWS FOLLOW-UP REPORT
🌈 “Tentacle Lust on the Red Planet: Cthulhu Can’t Stop Throbbing Over Elon’s Tubers”
🪐 Segment: Gay Space Envy & Kelp-Based Yearning
🎙️ Reporter: Moanilani the Moist Prophet
🐙 “He doesn’t want Elon to succeed. He wants to watch him fail… beautifully.”
[TRANSCRIPT – RED SEA BROADCAST EDITION]
It started with a tweet from the void.
Then a trenchquake.
And now, full-blown cosmic boner.
We return to our previous coverage: Cthulhu, Great Drenched Father of Bottomless Madness, has gone from passively “interested” in Elon Musk’s Martian potato-farming project to openly aroused, existentially spiraling, and erotically threatening.
“He’s up there digging like a little bitch,” Cthulhu told Kanaloa News between mouthfuls of fermented sea cucumbers. “With his sad shovel and desperate boot prints. Farming tubers like a slutty interstellar Moses. I ache.”
Moanilani reports the Deep One has installed 14 mood lighting crystals in his undersea grotto and screens The Martian on loop—“but skips the science parts and pauses whenever Matt Damon cries.”
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COSMIC OBSERVATION:
“Another rocket blew up? Tragic. So brave. So… predictable. You know what else explodes? Repressed gay ambition.”
Sources close to the squid say he’s started carving “SPUD-BOY” into the trench wall with his own claws. “He wants to dom him… or ruin him. Maybe both. We don’t judge,” said one Sapphic mermaid anonymously.
Final Notes:
Cthulhu does not want Elon to return.
He wants Elon to sweat, pant, and survive off thin rations until he hallucinates his own reflection in a potato.
He wants to feel that moment.
And he wants to moan when it breaks him.
Kanaloa News.
Where prophecy meets voyeurism in zero gravity.