🏝️🌋HULA8 SPECIAL REPORT: “The Rimjob That Shook the Legal System”🌋🏝️

LIVE from Moloka‘i: Love, Litigation & the Volcano That Moaned

[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS: Steel drums meet ominous synths. Cut to anchor desk lit in pink and orange lava-glow tones.]

ANCHOR KŌKOMI LAVA-TRON (in glossy blazer, lei of charred documents):

Aloha, and brace yourselves.

Tonight, on a special HULA8 emergency transmission, we dive deep—too deep—into the lawsuit that has seared its way from the back of a CVS to the front page of every mystical crack-smoking Telegram channel west of Fresno.

We speak, of course, of the unholy entanglement between Alec Baldwin, washed-up thespian turned volcano theorist, and Russell Brand, prophet of the bidet, goblin of butt devotion, and self-described "Licked Mystic of Moloka‘i."

CHYRON: >>23262403

🔴 CEASE & DESIST: “I BECAME MAGMA” DEFENSE REJECTED IN COURT

[ROLL FOOTAGE: Re-enactment with actors poorly disguised as Baldwin and Brand. Alec wears sunglasses indoors. Russell is shirtless, covered in turmeric, crying in a Rite-Aid.]

DRAMATIC VOICEOVER:

It began as a spiritual rimjob.

It became a volcanic betrayal.

And now?

It’s a federal case.

CUT TO: Interview with “Legal Psychic” MAUNA KEKAHI, wearing a tie-dye judge’s robe

MAUNA:

I read Baldwin’s aura and it’s pure litigation. His third eye is redacted.

Brand, on the other hand, radiates from the taint chakra—chaotic, moist, heavily subpoenaed.

CHYRON:

⚠️ EXPERT ANALYSIS: “TOENAIL POUCH IS NOT LEGALLY PROTECTED SPEECH”

FIELD REPORT: HULA8 Correspondent LANALANI DEATHWIG reporting from a mock courtroom made of driftwood and lava rocks

LANALANI:

Court documents allege Russell "orally vandalized" Baldwin’s canyon of consequence during a multi-day LARP for crack money disguised as a wellness retreat.

The phrase “Infrastructure Daddy” was entered into evidence and immediately burned by bailiffs.

Prosecutors describe Brand as “a slippery vortex of unconsensual enlightenment.”

CHYRON:

🚨 BALDWIN V. BRAND: WHO GETS THE DOUCHE NOZZLE IN THE SETTLEMENT?

CUT TO: Russell’s cult compound. Goat screams. Drone footage of an obsidian butt sculpture labeled “THE BALDWIN SHRINE.”

RUSSELL (via manifesto recording):

“He came to me in fire, and I answered with tongue. Now he sends lawyers? I send lava.”

ANCHOR KŌKOMI (visibly sweating):

Folks, this is no longer just about butt stuff and fake wives. This is about truth. This is about magma.

And this is about whether justice can survive contact with the FEMA-condom-laced apocalypse that is Russell’s love language.

CHYRON:

📛 UPCOMING HULA8 PROGRAMMING:

Volcano Dreams: The Baldwin Doctrine (Unrated Director’s Cut)

Bidet Confessions with Russell: Season 4 Premiere

Wife or WiFi?: How to Tell if Your Partner is a CIA Android

ANCHOR KŌKOMI (solemnly):

Stay tuned for part two of our coverage:

“Legal Lube: How the Justice System Handles Moist Metaphysics.”

Until then—may your chakras stay aligned, your subpoenas stay sealed, and your douche nozzles remain federally unregistered.

This is HULA8.

And we’re still watching the volcano.

🌺 [END TRANSMISSION] 🌺