dChan
Anonymous ID: 44e466 Aug. 1, 2025, 4:19 p.m. No.23413650   🗄️.is 🔗kun   >>3657 >>3658

🏳️‍🌈 Summary in Schizo-Scripture:

 

“And Comey, the Scribe of the Leakless Throne, did bend over the Tapestry of Secrets.

And though his loins quivered like declassified pudding,

he proclaimed, ‘This is not a top-secret document,

this is a bottom-tier exorcism.’” — Book of Ruminations, 7:13 >>23413638

Anonymous ID: 44e466 Aug. 1, 2025, 4:22 p.m. No.23413660   🗄️.is 🔗kun

2009 The Inaugural Oval Orgy Barack “Commander in Cheek” Obama Joe “Latte Lapdog” Biden Diana (whisper): “He aimed for hope, landed on thigh.”

Anonymous ID: 44e466 Aug. 1, 2025, 4:24 p.m. No.23413666   🗄️.is 🔗kun

🕯️ Chapter VII: Of Shaven Virtues and Sycophantic Stallions

 

"I knew something was wrong when Alec Baldwin brought clove oil and a velvet stool to Buckingham's sub-basement. The corgis howled in Morse code, spelling ‘SHAVE HIM.’ I didn’t ask who—but I knew.

 

The trauma pony had returned.

 

🔻 The Ritual of the Shave

 

Alec knelt before the makeshift bidet, weeping into a Monégasque shaving bowl. “For the sins of Sussex,” he whispered, “I must become smooth, for only a polished buttock can carry the burden of a monarchy’s shame.”

 

Harry—or as we knew him in the Order, ‘Red Sorrow: Wurst Pony of the House of Moisture’—trembled in the corner. He wore nothing but a diadem and daddy issues.

 

“He’ll never survive the trauma joust,” I told Alec.

 

Alec didn’t flinch. “Then I shall become his flank shield.”

 

🩹 The Inauguration of the Butt

 

They lathered in silence. No laughter, no trumpets—just the solemn hymn of the Royal Hairless March playing from a nearby iPod dock once owned by Prince Andrew (confiscated for reasons legal and unspeakable).

 

The blade was silver.

The cheek, humble.

The cause, unholy.

 

"With every swipe,” Alec moaned, “I absolve the heifer of his birthright."

 

And as the final tuft fell, the room filled with incense and irreversible decisions.

📿 Diana's Afterword (Dictated from Beyond)

 

"In my day, royalty had dignity. We smiled, waved, and fucked discreetly. But these new children? They spank each other with parliamentary subpoenas and cry about it on Oprah.

 

I saw what Alec did for that ginger pony. I saw the sacrifice. The lotion. The trauma. The unmarked Venmo transfers.

 

And I say unto ye:

He was shaved for your sins.

He is the Glabrous Heifer.

*And I weep for the House of Windsor."

Anonymous ID: 44e466 Aug. 1, 2025, 4:25 p.m. No.23413670   🗄️.is 🔗kun   >>3680

📜 The Book of Butt Sacrifice

 

Translated from the Original Glabrous Tongue by the Scribes of Moisture and verified by the Aleccine Order of Shaved Submission.

I. The Unveiling of the Cheek

 

1:1 And lo, in the days of the Unwashed Dynasty, when the throne sat heavy with secrets and the bidet ran dry,

there came unto the court a beast both ginger and burdened—the Wurst Pony of Sussex, marked by crimson follicle and exile’s stink.

 

1:3 And the courtiers wept, for none could bear the sight of the Unshaven Heir, nor could the Sacred Thong cling without slippage.

 

1:5 Thus was declared: “Only by the Blade of Humiliation shall he be made smooth, and thus bear the sins of House Windsor on his holy haunches.”

 

II. The Shaving of Baldwin

 

2:1 Then rose Sir Alec of House Baldwin, thespian and martyr of the Assless Creed, bearing his sacred Schick™ razor and a vial of artisanal oat milk.

 

2:3 He spoke thus: “Let me take the burden of cheek-chastisement. For I have known Scientology, and I fear not madness.”

 

2:4 And the people cried, “Shave him, O actor of chaotic cause, that thou may anoint the Trauma Pony!”

 

2:6 So did Alec shave himself bare, until his butt shone with the clarity of Dianetic Truth and postmodern grief.

 

2:9 And when he turned his glabrous face to the west, the sun recoiled behind clouds of shame.

 

III. The Moaning Psalms of the Heifer

 

3:1 Then did the Wurst Pony kneel before Baldwin’s holy seat, and together they entered the Chamber of Spankful Consecration.

 

3:3 A great moaning rose from the depths, not of pleasure, nor quite of pain, but of a new form:

“Ecclesiastical Thirst.”

 

3:5 The High Queef of Canterbury did bless their union with ceremonial coconut oil, saying:

“Ye are now two cheeks of one calling.”

 

IV. Of Offerings and Moisture

 

4:1 Ye who would partake of the Wurst Pony’s salvation must offer the following unto the Altar of Taint:

– One (1) dram of Baldwin’s butt lotion

– A single hair from the Red Heifer of Temple Mount

– A sachet of Oprah’s tears

– Three cries of “Daddy, why?” shouted into a royal pillow

 

4:4 These shall be burned in the Fire of Sultry Repentance, which must be lit by a gay mime wearing only judgment and a French accent.

 

V. Benediction of the Shaved

 

5:1 And in the end days, when tabloids fall like locusts, and Meghan doth unfollow all,

there shall rise a shaved-bottomed redeemer, riding a Segway of scorn.

 

5:3 And he shall shout:

“Let my cheeks be the Ark! Let my trauma be your redemption!”

 

5:5 And the people shall cry out, “Blessed is he who cometh in the name of Moisture!”

Anonymous ID: 44e466 Aug. 1, 2025, 5:21 p.m. No.23413920   🗄️.is 🔗kun

"Sit on my face and tell me that you love me / I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too / I love to hear you oralise when I'm between your thighs / You blow me away".

Additional lines from the song include "Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you / I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly / Life can be fine if we both 69 / If we both sit on each other's faces / In all kinds of places, lo and behold / We'll be blown away".

The song is known for its comedic and absurd nature, typical of Monty Python's style. >>23413899