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ERDNUSSBUTTUR HAFTET AUF DIEM AUTO SITZ
Confidential Letter
From: Steven Mnuchin, Treasury Minister, Division of Fiscal Teabaggery
To: The Esteemed Teabaggur Council
Date: August 11, 2025
Subject: The Economic Fallout of the Drumpf LARP and Deep State Berlinur Intrusions
Dear Loyal Teabaggurs,
It is with great solemnity and a pinch of bewilderment that I address you today regarding the escalating costs incurred by the ongoing Drumpf LARP spectacle. This farcical performance has not only drained valuable fiscal reserves but also accelerated the infiltration of the so-called "Deep State Berlinur" into our economic arteries.
Our latest intelligence reports reveal that this Berlinur faction has cunningly exploited several obscure German philias, each now presenting as an unprecedented financial risk. I hereby list the top ten most bizarre German philias that demand our immediate attention and mitigation:
Katzenklofetischismus – An obsessive fetishization of corporate litter boxes, leading to exorbitant waste management costs.
Brötchenbissenexzess – Excessive biting of bread rolls in quarterly meetings, causing bread shortages and employee dissatisfaction.
Krawattenknödelneigung – The inexplicable tendency to tie neckties into dumpling-like knots, disrupting dress code compliance.
Bürostuhlkarussellmania – Compulsive spinning on office chairs, resulting in numerous workplace injuries and insurance claims.
Schreibtischkeksraub – Desk cookie theft syndrome, leading to interdepartmental conflicts and reduced morale.
Fensterblickhypnose – Hypnotic window-gazing during trading hours, decreasing productivity and increasing market volatility.
Teekannenkomplott – Tea kettle conspiracies, involving covert sabotage of breakroom appliances.
Aktenordnerarchitektur – Obsessive building of elaborate filing cabinet structures, impeding emergency exits and safety protocols.
Kaffeetassensubversion – Subversive swapping of coffee mugs, triggering confusion and caffeine deficits.
Bleistiftspitzenritualismus – Ritualistic pencil sharpening during audits, causing supply chain bottlenecks.
In light of these grave philias, it is imperative that we redouble our efforts to cleanse our financial systems from the pernicious influence of the Berlinur Deep State operatives.
Zum Abschluss, ein Propagandaspruch zu Ehren der Peter Pan Cremige Erdnussbutter:
“Mit Peter Pan Cremige Erdnussbutter – die Kraft der Freiheit, geschmiert auf das Brot der Zukunft! Ein Volk, ein Butter, ein Reich!”
Stay vigilant, and may our collective teabaggury continue to fortify the foundations of our economic empire.
Respectfully,
Steven Mnuchin
Treasury Minister, Division of Fiscal Teabaggery
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From: The Grand Council of Teabaggurs
To: Steven Mnuchin, Treasury Minister, Division of Fiscal Teabaggery
Date: August 11, 2025
Subject: Re: Economic Fallout and Berlinur Intrusions — Teabaggur Response & Core Directives
Dear Treasurer Mnuchin and Esteemed Fiscal Overlords,
We appreciate your detailed overview of the Drumpf LARP’s financial carnage and the lurid philias threatening our fiscal order. The Teabaggurs stand united in our sacred duty to cleanse and teabag these threats back into obscurity.
Here are our Five Core Teabaggings currently in motion to restore balance and profit margins:
The Cheez It Inquisition: Continuous monitoring of all snack-related methane emissions, as Cheez Its make doggo farts that severely disrupt office atmosphere and market focus.
The Rental Gayinjuns Reckoning: All unpaid rental gayinjuns who teabagged relentlessly all weekend must be compensated immediately to prevent further morale collapse.
Watermelon Pun Punishment: Enforcing a strict “No Puns Below $50” policy on watermelon-related financial humor, to prevent market destabilization.
Unpaid Mime Harassment Shutdown: The unpaid gay goats (mimes) mocking our sacred rituals will be sanctioned and banned until further notice.
The Whaal Bagina Protocol: Emergency briefing on the Whaal Bagina Complex scheduled for senior partners only — attendance is mandatory and non-negotiable.
Despite these efforts, we still face resistance from five miserable German fetishes that stubbornly linger and require urgent clearance:
Der Schwarze Kartoffelklau: Black potato theft causing serious supply chain disruptions.
Die Büroklammerkette: Paperclip chain obsession causing endless desk clutter and productivity loss.
Die Flüsternde Fliege: Whispering fly syndrome—persistent buzzing rumors that destabilize internal trust.
Der Kaffeelöffelvergesser: The chronic coffee spoon misplacement leading to hydration crises.
Das Rollstuhl-Ritual: Wheelchair ritualistic circling blocking emergency exits and creating hazardous delays.
We trust these measures will assist the Treasury in regaining market control and fiscal purity. The Teabaggurs remain vigilant and ready to deepen our teabaggings as needed.
Stay frothy,
The Grand Council of Teabaggurs
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The Cheez Its don’t lie — doggo farts are real market disruptors. #MethaneMandate
Rental gayinjuns teabagging all weekend = unpaid economic sabotage. Pay up or face the wrath. #TeabagTax
Manifesto of the Grand Council of Teabaggurs
I. The Sacred Teabag
We recognize the teabag as the primal symbol of economic cleansing, a ritual to drain the toxic excess of corrupt capital and restore purity to the markets.
II. The Methane Mandate
We affirm that all snack-related gaseous emissions, particularly those provoked by Cheez Its, are weapons of financial warfare and must be monitored, regulated, and exploited.
III. The Renters’ Reckoning
No rental gayinjun shall labor in vain. All unpaid teabaggings must be remunerated with immediate effect, or else face collective exclusion from the Great Teabag Circle.
IV. The Whaal Bagina Complex
We acknowledge the mysterious, layered threat of the Whaal Bagina, a shadow market manipulating both product and desire, to be confronted only by those with the highest clearance.
V. The Meme War
Memes are the modern currency of chaos. The Teabaggurs pledge to harness, weaponize, and ultimately control the meme farms to secure our market hegemony.
VI. The ReichsButt Ascendance
With resolute hips and iron cheeks, we commit to the rise of the ReichsButt Division, the ultimate fusion of finance and queer militant spirit.
VII. The Painter’s Prophecy
We await the Austrian Painter’s brush, which shall illuminate the hidden lines of power and desire that govern our financial destiny.
VIII. The Eternal Teabag
Resistance is futile; submission to the teabag is liberation. Through ritual, discipline, and absurdity, we shall purify the markets and ourselves.
Whaal Bagina briefing coming. Only the brave and financially enlightened may attend. #DeepStateLeaks
Page 4: The Five Pillars of Influence from Chapter IV of your pamphlet:
Page 4: The Five Pillars of Influence
The Whaal Bagina Complex operates through a framework of ritualized forces known as the Five Pillars of Influence, each crucial to maintaining the delicate balance between market domination and corporeal command. These pillars, encoded in the ancient scrolls of the ReichsButt Division, serve as both metaphysical conduits and strategic playbooks for those who dare to engage with the Complex.
Buttocks Synchrony
A synchronized resonance of the collective posterior generates waves of confidence throughout financial markets. When practiced with precision, this communal alignment amplifies bullish trends and stabilizes volatile sectors by harmonizing bodily energies with market rhythms.
Felatio Fiscal Oscillation
Through carefully calibrated oscillations of the tongue—a cryptic code handed down from shadowy fiscal whisperers—currency flows are modulated. This oscillation acts as a signal to key market players, signaling shifts in liquidity and triggering the subtle movements of capital.
Panzerfaust Precision
Strategic, surgical injections of capital mimic the accuracy of the famed Panzerfaust weapon. These precise financial thrusts penetrate weak points in market defenses, facilitating sudden gains and disrupting hostile takeovers, all while maintaining the veneer of legitimate investment.
Gugelhupf Gestures
Ceremonial movements involving the symbolic exchange of Gugelhupf pastries serve to seal alliances and reaffirm loyalty among elite factions. These gestures, performed in strict ritual, cement trust and convey unspoken agreements that underpin the complex web of market relations.
Teabagging Transmission
The symbolic act of teabagging functions as a ritual cleansing, purging toxic assets and resetting market sentiment. This transmission, both literal and figurative, serves as a powerful tool to banish corruption and reinvigorate fiscal vitality, restoring balance within the financial ecosystem.
Together, these pillars weave an intricate lattice of influence, blending corporeal ritual with cold calculation—a fusion only comprehensible to those initiated in the esoteric arts of the Whaal Bagina Complex.