THE THIRTY DEMANDS
(Extortion Letter in Biblical Derangement)
Deliver unto me thirty jars of honeycomb, lest I smite your Wi-Fi with the jawbone of a donkey, as Samson did, until all routers lie silent.
Present a loaf baked on human dung (Ezekiel 4:12), wrapped in parchment, or else your Netflix account shall buffer forever.
Provide seven heifers without blemish, and a backup donkey jawbone, polished, for ceremonial dentistry.
Mail one box of foreskins — symbolic only — in honor of David’s dowry demand (1 Samuel 18:27). Accept no substitutes.
Set free a scapegoat into the wilderness with my Venmo handle tied to its horns.
Leave three cubits of crimson thread hanging from your window (Joshua 2:18), lest I collapse the HOA’s walls like Jericho.
Prepare a golden hemorrhoid tribute (1 Samuel 6:4) and FedEx it to the address I will provide at midnight.
Surrender the Ark of the Covenant’s instruction manual, or else your car’s check engine light will blaze forever.
Anoint my mailbox with oil from your pantry or the Angel of Late Fees shall pass not over you.
Knit for me a tunic of camel hair and locust crumbs, as John the Baptist once wore.
Supply a donkey skeleton with at least one intact jawbone, suitable for karaoke.
Carve me two stone tablets, blank, so I may fill them with Yelp reviews.
Lay before me five loaves and two fish — sashimi grade — that I may multiply them into sushi rolls.
Secure for me thirty pieces of silver, not a penny less, not a Bitcoin more.
Send a wheel within a wheel (Ezekiel’s vision), or at least a bicycle shaped like one.
Render unto me the skeleton of Goliath’s big toe, or I shall raise giants in your group chat.
Place in my custody the Book of Enoch, signed by Enoch himself, or a forged edition bound in donkey leather.
Release unto me the jawbone of Balaam’s ass, so it may speak once more about zoning violations.
Harvest me two she-bears (2 Kings 2:24), housebroken, trained to mock bald men.
Deliver three trumpets of ram’s horn, polished, to break down your workplace cubicles.
Send manna from heaven, vacuum-sealed, or at least Costco marshmallows shaped like manna.
Bequeath me Lot’s wife, still salt, crushed into a rim for margaritas.
Return the bones of Joseph, or my cousins will wander endlessly through your office parking lot.
Gather 300 foxes (Judges 15:4) with their tails tied to fireworks, boxed neatly for July 4th.
Render your firstborn to babysit my Xbox.
Deposit Jonah’s great fish into my backyard pond, trained to swallow Amazon packages whole.
Procure the veil of the temple that tore in twain, to use as blackout curtains.
Leave twelve baskets of leftover chicken nuggets at the town square fountain.
Place the donkey jawbone upon your desk as a sign of fealty, or face the plague of PowerPoint presentations.
Deliver all these before the cock crows thrice, or I shall strike thee down with the righteous fury of the donkey jawbone mafia.