Operation Northwoods
Or they could be being blackmailed because they have family and friends that have done something wrong, or more likely are being threatened. Or they could hold a gun to wife or kids head and make you do something horrifyingly heinous and film it. I've heard they have done this. Or they kill your daughters boyfriend (Georgia)…
How do you catch an elephant?
You dig a big hole. Line the perimeter with peas and fill the bottom with ashes.
When the elephant comes up to take a pee. You kick him in the asshole.