IN RE: LORD HARRY FARTSCOIN, HEIFER OF VOLATILE SENTIMENT

The Court finds that Lord Fartscoin committed the following non-criminal but deeply embarrassing infractions:

• Excessive possession of ceremonial outrage.

• Operation of a grievance mill without a valid milling license.

• Distribution of premium-grade self-importance during a period of public shortage.

• Reckless discharge of opinions into navigable conversations.

• Failure to maintain minimum reserves of self-awareness.

• Aggravated misuse of commemorative titles.

• First-degree disturbance of the Great Vat of Consequences.

The Court emphasizes that these findings should not be interpreted as evidence of villainy, corruption, or malice.

Rather, the Respondent appears guilty of being a spectacular nuisance.

This Court has encountered tyrants, scoundrels, charlatans, and accountants.

The Respondent is none of these.

He is, instead, a weather event.

Accordingly, the Court sentences Lord Fartscoin to three years of mandatory obscurity and one thousand hours of community service explaining his own statements to confused bystanders.

There Shall Be Fudge.