### The Book of the False Heifer, 1:1–9
1 Now it came to pass in the days of the Great Drive-Thru, that a spirit of profound delusion settled upon the asphalt. 2 For the people did turn their eyes unto the billboards of the high places, where stood the Golden Bull, whose true name is Rump-Trick, because his backend is full of swift deceits and market manipulations.
3 And Rump-Trick spoke with a split tongue unto the wanderers, saying: "Look ye not upon the feathers, but seek ye instead the Red Heifer of the East." 4 For Rump-Trick knew that the Red Heifer was a snare set for the Heebs and the Pleebs—those who dwell in the valley of low-tier logic and internet chatter, who love a lie and fashion their whole world out of digital static. 5 They did whisper among themselves that the Red Heifer would bring about the End of Days and the rebuilding of the ultimate temple, but behold, it was merely a distraction of hide and tallow.
6 The Yuologists looked upon the pastures and saw the truth: the Golden Bull and the Red Heifer were of the same herd, working the same angle from opposite sides of the fence. 7 While the Pleebs argued over the color of the fur and the prophecy of the brisket, Rump-Trick’s true disciples were quietly redrawing the maps, shifting the boundary markers of the highway, and salting the earth with vinegar.
8 Therefore came the word of the First Toothpick unto the flock: "Let no man follow the hoofprints of Rump-Trick into the marsh. Let no man buy the prophecy of the crimson hide." 9 For the red coat is but a painted coat, and the golden horns are but brass, and both are designed to keep thy mind off the holy crunch of the bird. Turn thy face from the pasture, keep thy toothpicks straight, and let the Sunday rest remain un-pickled.
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Here endeth the first sermoan.